Not the end...

Our boys, our sons, are fast asleep in their beds. I don't know how to explain what that feels like.

Today was Adoption Day, and it was a whirlwind! We had a lot of things to do beforehand and then once we were there, it was about three minutes of me in tears as I vowed to care for and love these boys as if they were born to me, and the attorney asking me if I understood that they were mine from now until forever. Then the judge signed the paperwork, and we took some pictures and...that was it!

In a way it was just another thing that we had to do. They have been my boys since I first met them. They are mine. So, in a way, I walked out and felt as if it was nothing special.

But, in some ways, it was really special.

Although I have been with them almost every day and night since March 28th (except for the recent sleepovers at Grandma's), in a way it feels like today is the first day of me being a parent; I don't have to ask permission or get background checks for everyone the boys spend time with (although I think the background checks are something I will miss!), I don't have to worry about court appointments, and I don't have to ask permission or check with anyone before making a decision about their well-being. It also means that they only have one name (not their birth names and the names they chose). It also means that I am their mom in every way. I am not the legal guardian. To the boys, it means that they don't have to worry about when they will leave, or if they will have to move again to someplace where they don;t know anyone or are separated. It means stability and predictability, and love forever and ever.

From now till forever, they are ours.

These little munchkins have had my heart since the moment I first saw their photographs, but I have fallen for them more and more every day.

We are just so lucky.

So is this it? Is there nothing left to blog about adoption? Not hardly! Even though it has been finalized, they have only been with us for about 3 and 3/4 months! We still have a lot to get through, my boys and I. But we will do it together, knowing that we are here for eachother forever.

I love you, my angels. Way more than you'll ever know.

90 Days

Yesterday marked the 90th day that our boys have lived with us, which means that we can officially petition for adoption! We should have a court date by July 1st! To mark the occassion, some family came over for dessert ( a cake that Little Munchkin helped bake from scratch, and Big Munchkin decorated!) and we toasted them and celebrated how much we love them and just spent time together as a family.

90 days of good mornings and good nights
90 breakfasts and dinners
90 days of laundry
90 days of bedtime stories
90 days of kisses
90 days of play
90 days of thinking chairs
90 days of "I love you"

Only 90, and at the same time, a whole 90! Depending on how I think about it, it feels like it's been forever, or just a few moments.

I feel like I have known and loved these boys forever, but it seems like only yesterday that I got that phone call.

When they have a hard time going to bed it feels like "I can't believe he is still doing this!", but it really hasn't been long at all. Now, in retrospect, Big Munchkin maybe had one really bad month, and Little Munchkin has had a bad week or two. Considering that they have been uprooted from the one place they finally felt safe, after a series of different foster homes and placements, that they knew they were not going to attend the same school next year, and still has to adjust to two new people who have new rules and new ways of doing things, it's only been 3 months. I mean, I almost feel silly for feeling so frustrated.

There's a lesson there for me. It is important to take it moment by moment, but it is also important to make sure you are taking a good look at the big picture.

90 wonderful, fabulous days with my boys.

One Week Later

It has been a little over a week since both boys officially moved in. It has been exhausting, tiring, grating, scary, hilarious, fun, sweet, amazing, wonderful, fantastic. We have had so much fun, from car rides singing Wee Sing Silly Songs, to playing board games and card games, to teaching them to ride bikes and dinner conversations. We love these boys so much, and already can't imagine life without them. My heart is so full with love and joy. We look forward to watching them grow up, and watching them be kids!

I want to say that before I continue this post. I am writing this post as an informative one. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "What to expect during adoption transitioning" and "What to expect the first week your adoptive child moves in" or variations thereof. I hardly saw an answer that made me feel better, or told me how to prepare, or just someone saying what they were seeing. I want to provide a clear picture, just so that anyone who might read this who is considering adoption has an idea. I also want to protect the boys privacy, so I will provide as much info as I can. If you have specific questions, please contact us!

We are so happy to have our family all together. But it is an adjustment for everyone. Greg and I feel we are prepared for everything that has come our way as far as behavior, and we expected it, but it's still hard.

The boys have a really hard time at night. They are both afraid of the dark, which is normal, but they also do not like the peace and solitude that comes with bedtime. It is hard when all of your thoughts come rushing to you at once. It is harder if you are a little boy who has just moved to ANOTHER new place, with more new people and new rules, on top of missing their old families and friends. It's a lot for anyone. It has been a fight every night for them to get to sleep. They are vying for control as well. These little boys feel they can not trust adults to take care of them, so they test our control, and our ability to take care of them. Our little one is much less traumatized, and has a lot more good nights than bad. He also has a different personality than our big guy. Big guy is quiet and introspective. He also remembers a lot more than his little brother. His foster mother once described him as a little old man; he is quiet, doesn't like a lot of noise or fuss, and is a little grumpy. Lately though, there are shining moments where you can see the kid coming out in him.
Our little munchkin is a really picky eater. He has a hard time with hard or crunchy foods, like raw carrots, and really only wants to eat pizza, and maybe an occassional mac and cheese. He ate the foods he wasn't fond of (namely, all vegetables) for his foster parents with no problem, but we are new people so now he refuses. He too, is improving as he learns the rules and expectations. I also sneak vegetables into his foods, like a can of pumpkin in a batch of chocolate banana smoothies, or a little spinach in the lasagna.

As far as what behavior issues we expected to see, this is nothing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, we have only had two incidents of throwing things, a pillow and a stuffed animal. We do have some lying, but most of it is normal, and the behavior seems to be clearing up as we bond. We have had a little bit of defiance, again, mostly at bedtime, but also regarding bath time and meal time, which for traumatized children, are the worst times of day. We have about two tantrums a day per boy, which isn't that bad, and also seems to be improving in length if not in frequency.

The thing that will help everything else is bonding. With our little munchkin, this has been pretty easy. For most of the day he is a happy kid who actively seeks to bond with us. When he has a thinking chair, he will say he does not want to be adopted, but then he will crawl into my lap afterwards and pet my face and call me mommy. Our big munchkin will seek to bond occassionally, but he spends a lot of time actively seeking to push us away. As of Thursday and Friday, he really seemed to be opening up to us though. He was cuddly and wanted to be hugged, and asked if I could come have lunch with him at school one day. He also said that he would like for me to volunteer at school next year, which when originally suggested, he was very adament that I not do that. Not coincidentally, he went to bed no problem last night for the first time.

All together, there is more good than bad, and the good just keeps getting better. If you are where I am today sometime in the future, I can tell you it will continue to be more and more awesome every day!

Day By Day

So the boys spent all of last weekend with us. K was on Spring Break, so he even got to hang out for a while Monday.

It was an overwhelming weekend, especially for K, because he is a little older. A new family, a new house, is all a lot to take in. On top of that, it was Greg's birthday and we had some family in town, so they met a lot of new people, and were overstimulated. He had a good time though, and seemed to really enjoy himself! P has a hard time at bedtime and when he first awakes, and really REALLY does not like to be disciplined but the rest of the day is absolutely wonderful.

P spent most of the week with us, and basically wants to be here all the time. He asks (yells really) for his foster mom when we tell him it's bedtime, when it's time to take a shower, and when he has to have a time out. As soon as he has calmed down, he is all smiles and very lovey dovey. He does tell me he misses her sometimes, so I tell him he can call her or when he will see her next.

This weekend has been a little more normal. K spent the night Saturday, and during the day we went to a kid's birthday party. Then we had a nice quiet dinner and played with toys and in the back yard. K had a little breakdown about going to bed, but nothing big, and we talked about it in the morning and I think all is well!

As far as them moving in, P is not officially moved in, but is now spending more time here than at his foster family's home. K is transitioning a little more slowly. He has spent the weekends with us, and called us while at his foster mom's, but I think in the coming weeks will be spending a lot more time with us.

K especially loves spending time with Greg! He wants to be with him most of the time. He wants to do everything he does, and takes an interest in everything Greg likes. It's incredibly adorable! K loves legos, reading and more quiet activities, but he is really good at outdoor stuff and sports too. He is just such a sweet kid!

P wants to do whatever his big brother is doing, or if that isn't an option, is absolutely and completely obsessed with Hungry Hungry Hippos, and the book Green Eggs and Ham. He also seems to have a real interest in music, which is great, because we are a pretty musical family! He is a silly, giggly, little boy!

Overall, my house is an absolute disaster, I didn't get to wash my hair or shave my legs for a week, I am super behind on returning phone calls and emails, but I am so incredibly happy. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because, especially while the boys are transitioning, nothing is more important than spending time with them however I can.

Remembering the sadness while celebrating the joy

In our excitement in becoming new parents, and the celebrating and love that we feel and share with you all, we are trying to be mindful of the factors that brought our boys to us.

No matter how you adopt a child, be it private, public, infant or older child, domestic or international, the child has experienced a loss. Sometimes biological parents know that they won't be able to properly care for their baby, and have the forsight to create an adoption plan. Still, there is a loss for the mother and for the child. Sometimes, as in our case, someone has to take the children from the parents because of their inability to care for their children. There is a great loss here for both. Even if a person does not know how to be a parent, it does not mean that they didn't love their child. The trauma that children experience before and after being removed from their biological parents can not be undone.

As the "second" parents that these boys will have, we have to remember that we can not erase their past. We can not pretend that it didn't happen; that their was trauma, and that when they were removed, their parents could not do what it took to get them back. They are bringing this pain too.

As their parents, it is our job to honor this pain and past, and do our best to fill their lives with joy, and happiness and love. We surely can not undo that which has already been done, but we can improve the future.

So, as we prepare to celebrate this journey we are about to embark upon, please keep our boys in mind, as well as their biological family, and those that have helped them along the way, and pray for all of them. Also pray for all of the children, please, who do not yet have families, or are still suffering through their trauma and struggles. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who do not know when, or if, they will ever find their forever families.

Thank you.

What to expect when you're adopting

We are so overjoyed that in 12 days, we will be able to start being parents to our boys, and really get to meet them!

Because we have done a lot (and I truly mean a LOT) of reading, we have at least a clue of what we are in for in the coming months. I wanted to give you all an idea, so I found this awesome blog post from an adoptive mom about her first year.

My favorite line in the whole thing is "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting through...", because it is so true. We know it is going to be hard. We also know that it is going to be wonderful.

Disclosure Meeting

We FINALLY have a date set for the disclosure meeting for the boys!

What happens at the disclosure meeting?

Well, we don't know for sure, as we have never done this before. Here is what we do know;

Everyone connected to the boys will be there; Their foster moms, Guardian Ad Litems, the case managers and case supervisors, and probably others. After signing some paperwork making all information we receive at that meeting confidential, we will read the boys child studies, and then ask questions of all of those involved. Once we have done so, we will have the option to stop the process there. At this point, we are pretty positive that is not what will happen. When we decide to continue, we will sign some forms stating our intent to adopt the boys. Once that is done, we will be able to schedule some visitation with the boys, and hopefully they will quickly become comfortable with us and we can start being a family!

We know that it isn't going to be all sunshine and roses, especially at first! But we are still happy and excited and READY for this dream to come true!

A Match!

We are preparing to welcome two little boys!

We wanted to wait until after we had started visiting with the boys, because other than telling you that they are brothers, and they are boys, we really are not at liberty to say anything yet!

But we just couldn't wait any longer to shout it from the rooftops!

We actually first heard about them about 2 weeks ago. I got the call while I was at work, so the caseworker left a message. A foster-mom friend of mine sent me a text message saying to check my voicemail ASAP, and I saw that so I took a quick break to listen to the voicemail.

As soon as I heard that voicemail, I knew we had found our kids. In tears of joy, I finished the rest of my shift, and headed to Greg's store. I called Greg, even though I would see him at his store, and told him the good news. We were both so very excited! I also got to hear all about the boys from their caseworker a little later on. The only issue was that one of their child studies is incomplete, so we have to wait for it to be finished to learn everything about them, or to meet them.

LONGEST. WAIT. EVER.

While we are waiting on the completed child studies, we told the grandparents, and have been getting the house ready for two little boys! We bought bookshelves, and a friend gave us a great bunk bed and painted their room, and are rearranged our schedules to accommodate two kids! We are raring to go!

Of course, as we can, we will share more information with you!

Love,

       Gianna

Saying No...

Greg and I received the home study of a child available for adoption. We don't want to share details as to protect the child's privacy, so it is sufficient to say that we had to say no to adopting them.

Saying no is one of the hardest things I have experienced so far. There is a lot of guilt attached to it. I know it was the right thing to do, but still, it means that that child still does not have a forever home.

I know our kids are out there, and I know we have to keep our needs in mind. But it breaks my heart that I couldn't give that child a home.

Weekends

Weekends are interesting nowadays.

They provide us with a well-needed break from checking our phones to see if we have a match e-mail, but at the same time, we also feel like we have to wait two days for something to happen.

Waiting is the hardest part. It has been the hardest part through this entire experience. You wait for your class to start. You wait for your paperwork to be received. You wait to be assigned a caseworker. You wait for your homestudy to start. You wait for it to be completed. You wait for your homestudy to be approved. Then you wait to match.

Then, once you have matched, you still have to wait for the adoption to be finalized.

Everyone keeps telling us that patience is a virtue, and that good things come to those who wait. We know. It's also hard to understand what we are going through from the outsiders perspective. When you have a baby, you have a general idea of how long you will wait before it's here. You have things you can do to prepare. With adoption, you can't prepare because, especially in our case, we have no idea if we will have a girl or boy, how old they will be, if there will be more than one. And we really have no clue how long the wait will be; days, weeks, months...

On top of that, when you have a baby, you get to start at day one with that kid. You have their whole life. Every first, every holiday. We are missing out on those every day that we don't have our kid(s).

So, if we get a little upset when someone says patience is a virtue, or that good things come to those who wait, or if we are a little frustrated with the process, please forgive us. We are just trying to find our kids.

Matchmaker matchmaker...

We are finally in the matching process!

We have submitted a couple of inquiries, but nothing has worked out yet. Most of the children were already adopted, or they wanted them to stay in the same state they were in, in the case that they were out of state.

We are trying to take it easy and realize that this is not an overnight thing. This could take weeks or months.

In the meantime, we will share what we can, but for our privacy, and for the privacy of the children, we will not be sharing details about the matches or non-matches. We need for the decisions that we make to be ours alone. We hope that you will all understand. We will share the process, and our thoughts as we deem appropriate.

Thank you all for all of the love and support you have shown us through this process! We can't wait to find our kiddos!

Results!

Today, around 1pm I got an e-mail with our homestudy first draft attached. There were a couple of errors, so they have to be fixed, but at least things are moving again! The errors were minor. She wrote that our moms live in Northport, but they live in Sarasota, and she said my dad remarried when I was in 2nd grade, but that was when they met. There were a couple more, but nothing serious. I called her and left a message, but it was after 4 so I won't hear back until tomorrow probably.

In the meantime, I also found out that the results of our background checks are in. That means all that's left is to finalize the homestudy itself, a few minor pieces of paperwork (copies of our car insurance, etc.), and then we can be approved!

Want to see the coolest sentence ever? Sorry for the blurry picture, but read the very last line!

Mythbusters: Public Adoption Edition

There are a lot of things people will tell you about public adoption. These people will be misguided family or friends, articles, your social workers, the agency, doctors, etc. Here are the myths we have heard, and the truths we have learned. Keep in mind, thus far our experience is only with public adoption, so we can only speak to that type of adoption!


Top 4 Myths About Public Adoption
1. All children who are up for public adoption have serious issues, and won't attach.
This one is so super duper untrue it's silly. We have met several adoptive parents and their kids, adopted from infancy, all the way to age 12. The strength of the bond that they have is equal to that of birth parents and children. Many of the children who are in foster care suffer from trauma, developmental delays and some sort of handicap. Many of them are perfectly fine after having had time to catch up thanks to the time and effort of great foster parents who have helped nurture these childrens in ways they have not experienced. Some are still a little behind, but they do catch up. There are parents for those that are handicapped, who can handle, and even embrace, their disabilities.

2. The parents or other birth relatives will try to get the kids back.
 Once the parental rights have been terminated, and a child is legally adopted by another family, they can not get a child back. Your name(s) are listed on the edited birth certificate. You are from that point, and forever that childs parents.

3. The homestudy process in public adoption is quick. You should be in the matching process about 6 months from when you started.
I think caseworkers are afraid of people turning down the opportunity to adopt, so they continually give you the best case scenario. In Florida, MAPP classes are 10 weeks, then you have to wait to be assigned a caseworker (3-6 months) who will then try to make time to do your homestudy (if you get lucky, a month or so). THEN you have your FBI/criminal background check (a few weeks from the day you have your fingerprints done). As of right now, we are waiting to hear about our background checks, so it has been 6 months. We paid to start our homestudy however, so we did not have that initial wait thankfully. If you don't pay for your homestudy it would be 3-6 months on top of everything else through public adoption.

4. If you have an open adoption, or any contact with any relatives, your child will not attach, or will be confused.
I have met several adoptive and foster parents who have very open relationships with birth family. The children are not confused at all. They understand that their adoptive parents are the number one authority, they are the people who provide comfort, security and direction, and the birth parents are like extended family. Imagine if the the first few years of your life were completely wiped from existence; wouldn't that be more confusing? If the entirety of their birth family is rejected, it can cause the child to feel that a part of themself is not good enough, and should also be rejected. By allowing for positive role models from the birth family to be involved with the child, and showing that you can accept them too, you are telling the child that there is no part of them that you do not want.

These are the biggies. I am sure there are more, and I will add to the list as I see them!

Homestudy and Loose Ends

Gianna here!

Our homestudy was last Thursday. I meant to write about it right away, but I have been so busy I didn't have a chance.

Greg and I were super stressed about it. We had been cleaning and scrubbing and organizing for 2 weeks. The house looked pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Anyways, I had read somewhere that if you are stressed, NOT to work that day, because you will just be more stressed. I decided not to take that advice, and was absolutely miserable at work all day. If you are getting ready for a homestudy and reading this, I know you probably won't listen to me, but for the love of God, take that day off. Set your alarm for later in the day, and, although I know that if you are like me, you will already be awake, lying there staring at the ceiling, force yourself to stay in bed until the alarm goes off. Take it easy, do all the last minute stuff that will suddenly seem important, and do all the pacing you feel like. Do not go to work. If you're like me, you will be absolutely useless anyways.

So, our caseworker got there, and we sat in the living room and chatted. That's all. She asked questions about our lives up to when we met, like where we were born, if our parents were together, why not, how did we feel about it, what is our relationship like with our parents and siblings, what are our religious views, how will we discipline, do we prefer a certain gender, age range, and what disabilities can we handle, etc.

And then she took a 3 minute tour of our house.

That's not even an understatement. It was like "Oh, here is the downstairs, and up here are the bedrooms and the second bathroom and..oh, you are leaving? Ok, thanks."

Super duper fast. And that was it. I just had my fingerprinting done, and Greg's is scheduled for Thursday, and then we should hear something after the first of the year!

In the meantime, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Today is the day!

Gianna here.

Well this is it. Our interview for our homestudy starts tonight. I am so nervous it's a bit pathetic. I am going to work now, and I have to say it was a bad decision. I read that you should take the day off so you can relax, but I assumed I would need something to occupy my time. Nope. I could be at home pacing instead of at work messing everything up.

Our house looks great, I have to all our paperwork in order, so I have nothing to be nervous about right?

And so it begins...

This evening, around 4:50, when I had accepted that I probably wouldn't hear from anyone about adoption stuff until Wednesday, I got a call from a caseworker! Our first interview is December 13th! We are so excited (and anxious and nervous and scared)! We needed something to take our mind off the homestudy, so we decorated for Christmas. It was a lot of fun. We thought about how this may be our last Christmas that we will not have kids, and decorating our tree with things our kids make, and sharing our traditions and start our own new traditions...so basically we spent the evening thinking about kids instead of the homestudy. :-) So for the next week we will be cleaning up, and I want to clear out the spare room so that it will be ready to be a kids room. We are so excited and blessed!

Progress!

So our check is in the hands of the case worker! That means that our home study has begun! We are so excited that the process has started! Gianna had to order a copy of her birth certificate, and we still need to clear out the room that will be our childs so that it can be put together when the time comes. We are in good shape we think, so hopefully the process will be smooth. We will more than likely have some updates on that! A lot of our friends and family have asked us if we have any particular child/children in mind. The short answer is yes. However, because a lot can change, and because we need to know that we are making the best decision for us, we have decided not to share that information, except for immediate family. This is quite a process. Once our home study is approved, we can send it to the childs caseworker. The caseworker looks it over and decides if she thinks we are a good match. IF she decides we are a good match then we make a time to meet with the childs caseworker, foster parents, and guardian ad litem, and anyone else involved. We sign a confidentiality agreement, and look over a child study, which will have all known history for that child, including medical records, school records, etc. We ask any questions we may have, and then take a couple days to mull it over. If we decide it's a good match, then we let them know and have a few visitations and talk to the child about how they feel about it (if they are old enough to make an informed decision on their own). The bottom line is, though we think we are a good match, we really know very little about this child. We don't want to get too attached or get hopes too high. We probably won't have our child or children for this Christmas, but with a little luck, we could at least have visitation with them before February!

Thanksgiving Miracles

Last night, after dinner, we were discussing with our family the costs of adoption. Since we have decided to pay, even though we are going through public adoption, we will pay for our homestudy, which is a big chunk, plus any travel expenses, notary fees, background checks, yada yada yada.... Right then, Greg's dad offered to pay the homestudy fee itself, so we could get started! Gianna could hardly contain the tears! Then, her dad and stepmom gave us a check as a belated anniversary gift to help cover outher costs! Gianna's mother has been a continual source knowledge about the system, and an ear to listen when I gripe. Greg's mom has shown her interest and support in the process. We still have a little over half of the $1,000 to earn, but we have the beginnings. We are overwhelmed with the love and support our family has offered us. We just couldn't be more thankful.

Waiting and waiting and waiting....

We are both feeling a little discouraged at the moment.

We were hoping to at least have been assigned to a caseworker at this point. So far, nothing.

We have sent e-mails, and are attending the Foster/Adoptive Parent Association meetings, and are trying to keep busy in general, but it's hard to not have an end in sight!

Some people we have met have taken as long as 6 months to start their homestudy! We were told that it shouldn't take us that long, but now we aren't so sure.

What can we do but keep busy and wait?

Keep us in your thoughts! Pray for something to happen sooner!

We're adopting!

Hello to all of our family and friends who have found this blog! We are so glad to share our news with you! As we have information to share, we will post it here, and also encourage you to ask questions, via Gianna's e-mail, this blog or phone calls, about our adoption. We are very happy and extremely excited!

A Little Info:

We have talked about adoption since we first met. We knew it was something we wanted to do when we were ready. When we were finally ready to talk about starting a family, we began with the traditional way; trying to have biological children. But when Gianna's mom began working for the Safe Children Coalition, the public foster and adoption agency in our county, it seemed that we were being lead down a different path. We started doing some research, and a lot of reading, and a LOT of talking. We finally came to the decision that now was the right time for us to adopt.

We let our families know, began our paperwork and training classes (Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting). Some of the scariest days were the ones where we told our families. How would they react? Would they be as excited and willing to open their homes and hearts to a child as we are? Thankfully, the answer to that was a resounding yes! We were met with excitement, love, a little worry, and a lot of support. We couldn't be more thankful and grateful!

What's Next?:

We have finished classes required to adopt through the state foster/adoption system, and we are currently waiting to begin our homestudy.We will be using this blog as a way to communicate with everyone, as well as Facebook, as events and news occur!

At this point, we do have a child in mind, but are not sharing any information for privacy's sake. If we are not matched with this child, we will probably pursue adoption through fostercare, which means we will be licensed to foster children, and if they become available for adoption we will be able to do so.

As we have info to share, we will be doing so through this blog, but also appreciate hearing from you via phone calls and e-mails!

Where Can I Find More Info About Adoption?:
We know that there is a lot of misinformation out there in the world, and on the internet, about adoption. We are happy to share what information we can, answer any questions, and just hear from all of you in general! 

In the meantime, if you would like to read about adoption, we can recommend some great books!

-In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption

-Adoption is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know

There are also some good, trustworthy, websites to get information about public adoption, and adoption in general. AdoptiveFamilies.com, and AdoptUSKids.org are two great places to start, but here are some links to great info:

Adopt US Kids: Common Myths about Adoption

Adoptive Families: Myths and Realities

We can't thank you all enough for your support! We are truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends to share this amazing journey with!

Love, 

          Greg and Gianna