Night Tantrums

I am writing this, again, because I feel that there is a lack of people telling the truth about adoption, and telling the ugly parts in detail. Do not judge my children.

These are my children. They are hurt, and angry, and scared, and have every right to be. 

I am not writing this for sympathy for my kids or myself. I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there, one day, there will be another adoptive parent going through the same thing, who just wants their baby to be happy. This is for the adoptive parent who can see their child's potential, and sees the smallest glitters of good, and praises them as if they were mountains of gold.

My big munchkin, my 7 year old, has had a rough couple weeks.

Nighttime is always hard for him for some reason, and he has had a couple doozies as far as tantrums before. The last couple weeks have been different.

It all started when we had some family come into town.

Big munchkin had a doctor appointment that Friday, and it ended up taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Like we were in that office for 4 hours. Nothing wrong; they just lost our paperwork, and had no idea who we were, then when they figured that out they had to re-fill out all our paperwork, because it was wrong, and then we had to wait for the doctor to get out of some meeting that had been scheduled because they forgot about our appointment. I have to tell you, that during this time, he was an absolute angel. No "I'm bored", no "I wanna go home", no tantrums or whining. He played quietly, colored and read a book then watched a movie. By the time we got out of there, Big Munchkin had to eat lunch because it was over already at school. Then it was 1pm. He gets out at 3. I called his caseworker, and she agreed that it wasn't worth it for him to go to school for 2 hours. Then he went to my mom's house because he wanted to see her, and I needed to get some things done at home. My mom and stepdad couldn't say enough about what a delight he was. He was very affectionate, and interacted well, played well, and used his manners.

When he got home....BAM! Different kid.

He yelled and stomped and kicked and screamed and threw stuff, etc. Till like 2 in the morning.

The next morning he was no picnic either, but he pulled it together in time to go to the beach with our visiting family. He was, again, a perfect kid.

That night, Opposite Kid came back again.
And the next day,
And the next day....

You see where this is going.

He had great days at school. His teacher writes notes home about how great he is. He loves school, and does very well.

He even had a couple decent nights.

Then his brother's birthday came. We worked really hard to make sure he felt included. He helped set up surprises for him the night before, then we spent some extra time with him reading, and let him sleep in our bed. He had another good day at school, then helped out with dinner. Family came and showered BOTH boys with attention, as usual. I could tell Big Munckin felt a little left out, so I made sure to give him extra hugs and kisses. One of his grandma's read him a story all by himself.
Then everyone left, and it was time for bed, and....well...you know. But this time, it was worse. We were a little scared that little munchkins's safety was at risk, so we told him to sleep in the guest room and to lock his door so big munchkin could not enter.

The next morning was not much better. He was tired, and cranky. We talked about the night before, and told him that we thought the reason that he is having such a rough time is because our schedule has been out of whack lately. We also told him that, at least for the rest of the school year, there would be no special outings on school nights or Sundays. The schedule would be very strict as far as bedtime and waking up time, and there will be no tv, movies or video games. All privileges that he had been working towards (sleepover, lunch and a movie with grandma) were off the table until we knew he could handle it. We explained that this is not because he is in trouble. It is because all of these things seem to make it difficult for him to control his behaviors, and that we want him to find it easy to behave. He said he understood, and was even the one who suggested that we take out video games and movies as well.

He had a great day at the party! He played with everyone, and his foster mom even came with his foster brother who he lived with for 18 months.

That night, he did have a rough time, but not nearly as bad as it has been.

Then, we got on schedule, and he has had a pretty good week. He did have a couple rough patches, but nothing too serious.

Tonight my husband had to work late, so of course it was terrible. The same yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching the bed, kicking the bed, out of bed, stuff I have seen before. I went downstairs, cleaned the house a bit, and then I realized that he was quiet. He was sleeping at long last! AND IT'S ONLY 8:30!!!!!

What am I trying to say here? Nothing really, I am trying to describe what it is like for us, one month in.

But here is what you can take from it. There are moments where this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will wonder if you are going to make it. You will think that you can not take it any longer. But in those moments, think about the whys. Why is he having a fit? Why is he so scared? Why does he say things that hurt me? Why can't he just trust me? And then you will think about the reasons. And then you will realize that one month, or 6 months or even one year, is not enough time for anyone, including a little kid, to learn to trust again, or to be sure that he is safe, and that he can trust you to be in control, and he can just be a kid and accept love. It is going to take time, but we are going to get through it. You will see little instances of improvement, like instead of finally getting to sleep at 12am, he will fall asleep at 11pm. And yeah, he will probably fall asleep at 1am every once in a while, but mostly it's 11, and then it's 10:30, then it's 10, until suddenly it's 8:30.

Find those moments. Hold on to them.

Remembering the sadness while celebrating the joy

In our excitement in becoming new parents, and the celebrating and love that we feel and share with you all, we are trying to be mindful of the factors that brought our boys to us.

No matter how you adopt a child, be it private, public, infant or older child, domestic or international, the child has experienced a loss. Sometimes biological parents know that they won't be able to properly care for their baby, and have the forsight to create an adoption plan. Still, there is a loss for the mother and for the child. Sometimes, as in our case, someone has to take the children from the parents because of their inability to care for their children. There is a great loss here for both. Even if a person does not know how to be a parent, it does not mean that they didn't love their child. The trauma that children experience before and after being removed from their biological parents can not be undone.

As the "second" parents that these boys will have, we have to remember that we can not erase their past. We can not pretend that it didn't happen; that their was trauma, and that when they were removed, their parents could not do what it took to get them back. They are bringing this pain too.

As their parents, it is our job to honor this pain and past, and do our best to fill their lives with joy, and happiness and love. We surely can not undo that which has already been done, but we can improve the future.

So, as we prepare to celebrate this journey we are about to embark upon, please keep our boys in mind, as well as their biological family, and those that have helped them along the way, and pray for all of them. Also pray for all of the children, please, who do not yet have families, or are still suffering through their trauma and struggles. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who do not know when, or if, they will ever find their forever families.

Thank you.