One Week Later

It has been a little over a week since both boys officially moved in. It has been exhausting, tiring, grating, scary, hilarious, fun, sweet, amazing, wonderful, fantastic. We have had so much fun, from car rides singing Wee Sing Silly Songs, to playing board games and card games, to teaching them to ride bikes and dinner conversations. We love these boys so much, and already can't imagine life without them. My heart is so full with love and joy. We look forward to watching them grow up, and watching them be kids!

I want to say that before I continue this post. I am writing this post as an informative one. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "What to expect during adoption transitioning" and "What to expect the first week your adoptive child moves in" or variations thereof. I hardly saw an answer that made me feel better, or told me how to prepare, or just someone saying what they were seeing. I want to provide a clear picture, just so that anyone who might read this who is considering adoption has an idea. I also want to protect the boys privacy, so I will provide as much info as I can. If you have specific questions, please contact us!

We are so happy to have our family all together. But it is an adjustment for everyone. Greg and I feel we are prepared for everything that has come our way as far as behavior, and we expected it, but it's still hard.

The boys have a really hard time at night. They are both afraid of the dark, which is normal, but they also do not like the peace and solitude that comes with bedtime. It is hard when all of your thoughts come rushing to you at once. It is harder if you are a little boy who has just moved to ANOTHER new place, with more new people and new rules, on top of missing their old families and friends. It's a lot for anyone. It has been a fight every night for them to get to sleep. They are vying for control as well. These little boys feel they can not trust adults to take care of them, so they test our control, and our ability to take care of them. Our little one is much less traumatized, and has a lot more good nights than bad. He also has a different personality than our big guy. Big guy is quiet and introspective. He also remembers a lot more than his little brother. His foster mother once described him as a little old man; he is quiet, doesn't like a lot of noise or fuss, and is a little grumpy. Lately though, there are shining moments where you can see the kid coming out in him.
Our little munchkin is a really picky eater. He has a hard time with hard or crunchy foods, like raw carrots, and really only wants to eat pizza, and maybe an occassional mac and cheese. He ate the foods he wasn't fond of (namely, all vegetables) for his foster parents with no problem, but we are new people so now he refuses. He too, is improving as he learns the rules and expectations. I also sneak vegetables into his foods, like a can of pumpkin in a batch of chocolate banana smoothies, or a little spinach in the lasagna.

As far as what behavior issues we expected to see, this is nothing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, we have only had two incidents of throwing things, a pillow and a stuffed animal. We do have some lying, but most of it is normal, and the behavior seems to be clearing up as we bond. We have had a little bit of defiance, again, mostly at bedtime, but also regarding bath time and meal time, which for traumatized children, are the worst times of day. We have about two tantrums a day per boy, which isn't that bad, and also seems to be improving in length if not in frequency.

The thing that will help everything else is bonding. With our little munchkin, this has been pretty easy. For most of the day he is a happy kid who actively seeks to bond with us. When he has a thinking chair, he will say he does not want to be adopted, but then he will crawl into my lap afterwards and pet my face and call me mommy. Our big munchkin will seek to bond occassionally, but he spends a lot of time actively seeking to push us away. As of Thursday and Friday, he really seemed to be opening up to us though. He was cuddly and wanted to be hugged, and asked if I could come have lunch with him at school one day. He also said that he would like for me to volunteer at school next year, which when originally suggested, he was very adament that I not do that. Not coincidentally, he went to bed no problem last night for the first time.

All together, there is more good than bad, and the good just keeps getting better. If you are where I am today sometime in the future, I can tell you it will continue to be more and more awesome every day!

Remembering the sadness while celebrating the joy

In our excitement in becoming new parents, and the celebrating and love that we feel and share with you all, we are trying to be mindful of the factors that brought our boys to us.

No matter how you adopt a child, be it private, public, infant or older child, domestic or international, the child has experienced a loss. Sometimes biological parents know that they won't be able to properly care for their baby, and have the forsight to create an adoption plan. Still, there is a loss for the mother and for the child. Sometimes, as in our case, someone has to take the children from the parents because of their inability to care for their children. There is a great loss here for both. Even if a person does not know how to be a parent, it does not mean that they didn't love their child. The trauma that children experience before and after being removed from their biological parents can not be undone.

As the "second" parents that these boys will have, we have to remember that we can not erase their past. We can not pretend that it didn't happen; that their was trauma, and that when they were removed, their parents could not do what it took to get them back. They are bringing this pain too.

As their parents, it is our job to honor this pain and past, and do our best to fill their lives with joy, and happiness and love. We surely can not undo that which has already been done, but we can improve the future.

So, as we prepare to celebrate this journey we are about to embark upon, please keep our boys in mind, as well as their biological family, and those that have helped them along the way, and pray for all of them. Also pray for all of the children, please, who do not yet have families, or are still suffering through their trauma and struggles. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who do not know when, or if, they will ever find their forever families.

Thank you.

What to expect when you're adopting

We are so overjoyed that in 12 days, we will be able to start being parents to our boys, and really get to meet them!

Because we have done a lot (and I truly mean a LOT) of reading, we have at least a clue of what we are in for in the coming months. I wanted to give you all an idea, so I found this awesome blog post from an adoptive mom about her first year.

My favorite line in the whole thing is "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting through...", because it is so true. We know it is going to be hard. We also know that it is going to be wonderful.

A Match!

We are preparing to welcome two little boys!

We wanted to wait until after we had started visiting with the boys, because other than telling you that they are brothers, and they are boys, we really are not at liberty to say anything yet!

But we just couldn't wait any longer to shout it from the rooftops!

We actually first heard about them about 2 weeks ago. I got the call while I was at work, so the caseworker left a message. A foster-mom friend of mine sent me a text message saying to check my voicemail ASAP, and I saw that so I took a quick break to listen to the voicemail.

As soon as I heard that voicemail, I knew we had found our kids. In tears of joy, I finished the rest of my shift, and headed to Greg's store. I called Greg, even though I would see him at his store, and told him the good news. We were both so very excited! I also got to hear all about the boys from their caseworker a little later on. The only issue was that one of their child studies is incomplete, so we have to wait for it to be finished to learn everything about them, or to meet them.

LONGEST. WAIT. EVER.

While we are waiting on the completed child studies, we told the grandparents, and have been getting the house ready for two little boys! We bought bookshelves, and a friend gave us a great bunk bed and painted their room, and are rearranged our schedules to accommodate two kids! We are raring to go!

Of course, as we can, we will share more information with you!

Love,

       Gianna

Saying No...

Greg and I received the home study of a child available for adoption. We don't want to share details as to protect the child's privacy, so it is sufficient to say that we had to say no to adopting them.

Saying no is one of the hardest things I have experienced so far. There is a lot of guilt attached to it. I know it was the right thing to do, but still, it means that that child still does not have a forever home.

I know our kids are out there, and I know we have to keep our needs in mind. But it breaks my heart that I couldn't give that child a home.

Weekends

Weekends are interesting nowadays.

They provide us with a well-needed break from checking our phones to see if we have a match e-mail, but at the same time, we also feel like we have to wait two days for something to happen.

Waiting is the hardest part. It has been the hardest part through this entire experience. You wait for your class to start. You wait for your paperwork to be received. You wait to be assigned a caseworker. You wait for your homestudy to start. You wait for it to be completed. You wait for your homestudy to be approved. Then you wait to match.

Then, once you have matched, you still have to wait for the adoption to be finalized.

Everyone keeps telling us that patience is a virtue, and that good things come to those who wait. We know. It's also hard to understand what we are going through from the outsiders perspective. When you have a baby, you have a general idea of how long you will wait before it's here. You have things you can do to prepare. With adoption, you can't prepare because, especially in our case, we have no idea if we will have a girl or boy, how old they will be, if there will be more than one. And we really have no clue how long the wait will be; days, weeks, months...

On top of that, when you have a baby, you get to start at day one with that kid. You have their whole life. Every first, every holiday. We are missing out on those every day that we don't have our kid(s).

So, if we get a little upset when someone says patience is a virtue, or that good things come to those who wait, or if we are a little frustrated with the process, please forgive us. We are just trying to find our kids.

Results!

Today, around 1pm I got an e-mail with our homestudy first draft attached. There were a couple of errors, so they have to be fixed, but at least things are moving again! The errors were minor. She wrote that our moms live in Northport, but they live in Sarasota, and she said my dad remarried when I was in 2nd grade, but that was when they met. There were a couple more, but nothing serious. I called her and left a message, but it was after 4 so I won't hear back until tomorrow probably.

In the meantime, I also found out that the results of our background checks are in. That means all that's left is to finalize the homestudy itself, a few minor pieces of paperwork (copies of our car insurance, etc.), and then we can be approved!

Want to see the coolest sentence ever? Sorry for the blurry picture, but read the very last line!

Homestudy and Loose Ends

Gianna here!

Our homestudy was last Thursday. I meant to write about it right away, but I have been so busy I didn't have a chance.

Greg and I were super stressed about it. We had been cleaning and scrubbing and organizing for 2 weeks. The house looked pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Anyways, I had read somewhere that if you are stressed, NOT to work that day, because you will just be more stressed. I decided not to take that advice, and was absolutely miserable at work all day. If you are getting ready for a homestudy and reading this, I know you probably won't listen to me, but for the love of God, take that day off. Set your alarm for later in the day, and, although I know that if you are like me, you will already be awake, lying there staring at the ceiling, force yourself to stay in bed until the alarm goes off. Take it easy, do all the last minute stuff that will suddenly seem important, and do all the pacing you feel like. Do not go to work. If you're like me, you will be absolutely useless anyways.

So, our caseworker got there, and we sat in the living room and chatted. That's all. She asked questions about our lives up to when we met, like where we were born, if our parents were together, why not, how did we feel about it, what is our relationship like with our parents and siblings, what are our religious views, how will we discipline, do we prefer a certain gender, age range, and what disabilities can we handle, etc.

And then she took a 3 minute tour of our house.

That's not even an understatement. It was like "Oh, here is the downstairs, and up here are the bedrooms and the second bathroom and..oh, you are leaving? Ok, thanks."

Super duper fast. And that was it. I just had my fingerprinting done, and Greg's is scheduled for Thursday, and then we should hear something after the first of the year!

In the meantime, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

And so it begins...

This evening, around 4:50, when I had accepted that I probably wouldn't hear from anyone about adoption stuff until Wednesday, I got a call from a caseworker! Our first interview is December 13th! We are so excited (and anxious and nervous and scared)! We needed something to take our mind off the homestudy, so we decorated for Christmas. It was a lot of fun. We thought about how this may be our last Christmas that we will not have kids, and decorating our tree with things our kids make, and sharing our traditions and start our own new traditions...so basically we spent the evening thinking about kids instead of the homestudy. :-) So for the next week we will be cleaning up, and I want to clear out the spare room so that it will be ready to be a kids room. We are so excited and blessed!

Progress!

So our check is in the hands of the case worker! That means that our home study has begun! We are so excited that the process has started! Gianna had to order a copy of her birth certificate, and we still need to clear out the room that will be our childs so that it can be put together when the time comes. We are in good shape we think, so hopefully the process will be smooth. We will more than likely have some updates on that! A lot of our friends and family have asked us if we have any particular child/children in mind. The short answer is yes. However, because a lot can change, and because we need to know that we are making the best decision for us, we have decided not to share that information, except for immediate family. This is quite a process. Once our home study is approved, we can send it to the childs caseworker. The caseworker looks it over and decides if she thinks we are a good match. IF she decides we are a good match then we make a time to meet with the childs caseworker, foster parents, and guardian ad litem, and anyone else involved. We sign a confidentiality agreement, and look over a child study, which will have all known history for that child, including medical records, school records, etc. We ask any questions we may have, and then take a couple days to mull it over. If we decide it's a good match, then we let them know and have a few visitations and talk to the child about how they feel about it (if they are old enough to make an informed decision on their own). The bottom line is, though we think we are a good match, we really know very little about this child. We don't want to get too attached or get hopes too high. We probably won't have our child or children for this Christmas, but with a little luck, we could at least have visitation with them before February!

Thanksgiving Miracles

Last night, after dinner, we were discussing with our family the costs of adoption. Since we have decided to pay, even though we are going through public adoption, we will pay for our homestudy, which is a big chunk, plus any travel expenses, notary fees, background checks, yada yada yada.... Right then, Greg's dad offered to pay the homestudy fee itself, so we could get started! Gianna could hardly contain the tears! Then, her dad and stepmom gave us a check as a belated anniversary gift to help cover outher costs! Gianna's mother has been a continual source knowledge about the system, and an ear to listen when I gripe. Greg's mom has shown her interest and support in the process. We still have a little over half of the $1,000 to earn, but we have the beginnings. We are overwhelmed with the love and support our family has offered us. We just couldn't be more thankful.

Waiting and waiting and waiting....

We are both feeling a little discouraged at the moment.

We were hoping to at least have been assigned to a caseworker at this point. So far, nothing.

We have sent e-mails, and are attending the Foster/Adoptive Parent Association meetings, and are trying to keep busy in general, but it's hard to not have an end in sight!

Some people we have met have taken as long as 6 months to start their homestudy! We were told that it shouldn't take us that long, but now we aren't so sure.

What can we do but keep busy and wait?

Keep us in your thoughts! Pray for something to happen sooner!

Words Can Hurt...

Gianna here.

We have shared our news of adoption with our friends, family, and coworkers, and we have mostly gotten a lot of congratulations and warm wishes, and are truly thankful for that. We do appreciate it.

But we need to talk about the not-so-nice things that people say.

I had someone, who I know had good intentions, say some not-very-nice-things about adoption (especially of older children) to me. It was something along the lines of "I don't know how you could adopt an older child. Those kids are a bunch of brats and psychopaths! I would be afraid to sleep at night!"

I wasn't really even offended at first. I was really more shocked. People hear some crazy stories in the news, and so sometimes people get weird ideas. But then, I got upset. That is MY kid they are talking about! I may not know my child yet, I may not know when they are coming, but they are still MY child! Would you say something like that to a pregnant woman? Charles Manson wasn't adopted and look how HE turned out!

Then I got to thinking about the possibility of someone saying something crazy to one of us, and our child overhears. Then what? How incredibly hurtful would it be to hear a comment like that, or something more mundane, like "Where are their REAL parents" or any of a thousand things that could be said.

The bottom line is, we love this child, or children, that we haven't even met yet, with an amazing intensity. We plan things we want to do together, and wonder about what they will look like, and what they will be interested in, just like parents expecting a baby. We are their real parents. Please keep that in mind.

I have compiled some sites across the web, with some of the hurtful things people ask, or say to adoptive parents (and, their friends and family). Please read these if you have a moment. I trust that those close to us would never do anything to hurt our, or more importantly, our children's feelings, but if someone asks you, or says, one of these things, please respond appropriately.

I also don't want anyone to think that I (we, really) aren't open to answering questions people may have. As long as they are respectful, and in the interest of learning, and not just being nosy. Do us a favor and give us a call, or shoot an email, rather than asking in a public way, so that we can answer the question in the best way.

We would just appreciate it if you could make it clear to our child, whoever they may be, and to the rest of the world, that they are completely loved and accepted.

Much Love,

            Gianna

Some Questions (And Responses to Them)
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/4-questions-not-to-ask-adoptive-parents-2409706.html

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/how-much-did-your-kid-cost.html

http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/

http://honestmomblog.wordpress.com/stupid-adoption-questions/

The waiting game....

It's a long shot, really, but we talk constantly about if our child, or children are with us for the holidays. What will it be like to have our son or daughter wake up and see the Christmas tree that hopefully they will have helped decorate, or to have our son or daughter help us make dinner and cookies and pies. We can't wait to pass on all of our family traditions to this mystery person who we already love so much.

Maybe all expectant parents feel this way, but it's new territory for us.

In some ways, it feels like they are at camp, and we are waiting for them to come home. This wait has been the biggest challenge for us so far.

We have been making lots of "Before The Home Visit" lists, and then trying to get them accomplished. We want to have the house cleaned, have the spare bedroom (that will be their bedroom) cleaned up and organized, the pooches need their vaccinations and check ups, we need to clear out any clutter in any area of the house, put any "Summery stuff" in the attic, finish hanging pictures (there is one 4"x6" frame with a picture in it, and one 5"x7" frame without a picture in it hanging on the wall of the stairs where our "gallery" is supposed to be! Pretty pitiful!), decorate for the holidays, and plan for Thanksgiving, which we are having at our house this year!

In a lot of ways, it's good to stay busy because it keeps our minds off the wait. We are especially enjoying the cool weather outside right now. It is a welcome relief from the heat and humidity we have suffered through this Summer. Any time we have that isn't "to-do listing", has been outdoors! We need to enjoy this weather while we have it!