525,600 minutes.

One year ago today, Greg and I went to our disclosure meeting. That was the last day that we were not parents. We got to tell our little one that we were his mommy and daddy that night, and it was the first time that we were called mommy and daddy.

Our lives are just so filled with love and joy and pride because of these two amazing boys. In just this last year we have watched them grow so much. They are coming into themselves, and exploring their interests and growing. What an amazing journey this is!

Every moment of every day, we are so blessed to share in these little lives. Not every day is easy, or even fun, but every day is a gift. Sometimes it feels like they have always been with us, always been ours. Other times we think how could it possibly be a year already! The only thing we know is that from the first moment we saw them, they became ours. We are so excited to see what the future holds!

As this anniversary comes, Greg and I have discussed how many little anniversaries we have with them. After this one is March 7th, which is the first time we met big guy, and the first family dinner. Then, March 9th was the first night they spent the night with us. Then comes move-in-day, March 28th, and of course, Adoption Day, July 22nd. We want to celebrate each of these, but we obviously can't go too crazy!!! So the game plan is we will do little things for each one; A movie on March 7th, probably a slumber party (for the four of us) on March 9th, Ice cream cake for move in day (we had sundaes to celebrate that night), and July 22nd is a big deal. We are thinking family trip for that one!

Sorry about not updating in a while. It's busy around here! I will do a post (or two!) about what's been happening since September in the next few days!

90 Days

Yesterday marked the 90th day that our boys have lived with us, which means that we can officially petition for adoption! We should have a court date by July 1st! To mark the occassion, some family came over for dessert ( a cake that Little Munchkin helped bake from scratch, and Big Munchkin decorated!) and we toasted them and celebrated how much we love them and just spent time together as a family.

90 days of good mornings and good nights
90 breakfasts and dinners
90 days of laundry
90 days of bedtime stories
90 days of kisses
90 days of play
90 days of thinking chairs
90 days of "I love you"

Only 90, and at the same time, a whole 90! Depending on how I think about it, it feels like it's been forever, or just a few moments.

I feel like I have known and loved these boys forever, but it seems like only yesterday that I got that phone call.

When they have a hard time going to bed it feels like "I can't believe he is still doing this!", but it really hasn't been long at all. Now, in retrospect, Big Munchkin maybe had one really bad month, and Little Munchkin has had a bad week or two. Considering that they have been uprooted from the one place they finally felt safe, after a series of different foster homes and placements, that they knew they were not going to attend the same school next year, and still has to adjust to two new people who have new rules and new ways of doing things, it's only been 3 months. I mean, I almost feel silly for feeling so frustrated.

There's a lesson there for me. It is important to take it moment by moment, but it is also important to make sure you are taking a good look at the big picture.

90 wonderful, fabulous days with my boys.

Night Tantrums

I am writing this, again, because I feel that there is a lack of people telling the truth about adoption, and telling the ugly parts in detail. Do not judge my children.

These are my children. They are hurt, and angry, and scared, and have every right to be. 

I am not writing this for sympathy for my kids or myself. I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there, one day, there will be another adoptive parent going through the same thing, who just wants their baby to be happy. This is for the adoptive parent who can see their child's potential, and sees the smallest glitters of good, and praises them as if they were mountains of gold.

My big munchkin, my 7 year old, has had a rough couple weeks.

Nighttime is always hard for him for some reason, and he has had a couple doozies as far as tantrums before. The last couple weeks have been different.

It all started when we had some family come into town.

Big munchkin had a doctor appointment that Friday, and it ended up taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Like we were in that office for 4 hours. Nothing wrong; they just lost our paperwork, and had no idea who we were, then when they figured that out they had to re-fill out all our paperwork, because it was wrong, and then we had to wait for the doctor to get out of some meeting that had been scheduled because they forgot about our appointment. I have to tell you, that during this time, he was an absolute angel. No "I'm bored", no "I wanna go home", no tantrums or whining. He played quietly, colored and read a book then watched a movie. By the time we got out of there, Big Munchkin had to eat lunch because it was over already at school. Then it was 1pm. He gets out at 3. I called his caseworker, and she agreed that it wasn't worth it for him to go to school for 2 hours. Then he went to my mom's house because he wanted to see her, and I needed to get some things done at home. My mom and stepdad couldn't say enough about what a delight he was. He was very affectionate, and interacted well, played well, and used his manners.

When he got home....BAM! Different kid.

He yelled and stomped and kicked and screamed and threw stuff, etc. Till like 2 in the morning.

The next morning he was no picnic either, but he pulled it together in time to go to the beach with our visiting family. He was, again, a perfect kid.

That night, Opposite Kid came back again.
And the next day,
And the next day....

You see where this is going.

He had great days at school. His teacher writes notes home about how great he is. He loves school, and does very well.

He even had a couple decent nights.

Then his brother's birthday came. We worked really hard to make sure he felt included. He helped set up surprises for him the night before, then we spent some extra time with him reading, and let him sleep in our bed. He had another good day at school, then helped out with dinner. Family came and showered BOTH boys with attention, as usual. I could tell Big Munckin felt a little left out, so I made sure to give him extra hugs and kisses. One of his grandma's read him a story all by himself.
Then everyone left, and it was time for bed, and....well...you know. But this time, it was worse. We were a little scared that little munchkins's safety was at risk, so we told him to sleep in the guest room and to lock his door so big munchkin could not enter.

The next morning was not much better. He was tired, and cranky. We talked about the night before, and told him that we thought the reason that he is having such a rough time is because our schedule has been out of whack lately. We also told him that, at least for the rest of the school year, there would be no special outings on school nights or Sundays. The schedule would be very strict as far as bedtime and waking up time, and there will be no tv, movies or video games. All privileges that he had been working towards (sleepover, lunch and a movie with grandma) were off the table until we knew he could handle it. We explained that this is not because he is in trouble. It is because all of these things seem to make it difficult for him to control his behaviors, and that we want him to find it easy to behave. He said he understood, and was even the one who suggested that we take out video games and movies as well.

He had a great day at the party! He played with everyone, and his foster mom even came with his foster brother who he lived with for 18 months.

That night, he did have a rough time, but not nearly as bad as it has been.

Then, we got on schedule, and he has had a pretty good week. He did have a couple rough patches, but nothing too serious.

Tonight my husband had to work late, so of course it was terrible. The same yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching the bed, kicking the bed, out of bed, stuff I have seen before. I went downstairs, cleaned the house a bit, and then I realized that he was quiet. He was sleeping at long last! AND IT'S ONLY 8:30!!!!!

What am I trying to say here? Nothing really, I am trying to describe what it is like for us, one month in.

But here is what you can take from it. There are moments where this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will wonder if you are going to make it. You will think that you can not take it any longer. But in those moments, think about the whys. Why is he having a fit? Why is he so scared? Why does he say things that hurt me? Why can't he just trust me? And then you will think about the reasons. And then you will realize that one month, or 6 months or even one year, is not enough time for anyone, including a little kid, to learn to trust again, or to be sure that he is safe, and that he can trust you to be in control, and he can just be a kid and accept love. It is going to take time, but we are going to get through it. You will see little instances of improvement, like instead of finally getting to sleep at 12am, he will fall asleep at 11pm. And yeah, he will probably fall asleep at 1am every once in a while, but mostly it's 11, and then it's 10:30, then it's 10, until suddenly it's 8:30.

Find those moments. Hold on to them.

One Week Later

It has been a little over a week since both boys officially moved in. It has been exhausting, tiring, grating, scary, hilarious, fun, sweet, amazing, wonderful, fantastic. We have had so much fun, from car rides singing Wee Sing Silly Songs, to playing board games and card games, to teaching them to ride bikes and dinner conversations. We love these boys so much, and already can't imagine life without them. My heart is so full with love and joy. We look forward to watching them grow up, and watching them be kids!

I want to say that before I continue this post. I am writing this post as an informative one. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "What to expect during adoption transitioning" and "What to expect the first week your adoptive child moves in" or variations thereof. I hardly saw an answer that made me feel better, or told me how to prepare, or just someone saying what they were seeing. I want to provide a clear picture, just so that anyone who might read this who is considering adoption has an idea. I also want to protect the boys privacy, so I will provide as much info as I can. If you have specific questions, please contact us!

We are so happy to have our family all together. But it is an adjustment for everyone. Greg and I feel we are prepared for everything that has come our way as far as behavior, and we expected it, but it's still hard.

The boys have a really hard time at night. They are both afraid of the dark, which is normal, but they also do not like the peace and solitude that comes with bedtime. It is hard when all of your thoughts come rushing to you at once. It is harder if you are a little boy who has just moved to ANOTHER new place, with more new people and new rules, on top of missing their old families and friends. It's a lot for anyone. It has been a fight every night for them to get to sleep. They are vying for control as well. These little boys feel they can not trust adults to take care of them, so they test our control, and our ability to take care of them. Our little one is much less traumatized, and has a lot more good nights than bad. He also has a different personality than our big guy. Big guy is quiet and introspective. He also remembers a lot more than his little brother. His foster mother once described him as a little old man; he is quiet, doesn't like a lot of noise or fuss, and is a little grumpy. Lately though, there are shining moments where you can see the kid coming out in him.
Our little munchkin is a really picky eater. He has a hard time with hard or crunchy foods, like raw carrots, and really only wants to eat pizza, and maybe an occassional mac and cheese. He ate the foods he wasn't fond of (namely, all vegetables) for his foster parents with no problem, but we are new people so now he refuses. He too, is improving as he learns the rules and expectations. I also sneak vegetables into his foods, like a can of pumpkin in a batch of chocolate banana smoothies, or a little spinach in the lasagna.

As far as what behavior issues we expected to see, this is nothing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, we have only had two incidents of throwing things, a pillow and a stuffed animal. We do have some lying, but most of it is normal, and the behavior seems to be clearing up as we bond. We have had a little bit of defiance, again, mostly at bedtime, but also regarding bath time and meal time, which for traumatized children, are the worst times of day. We have about two tantrums a day per boy, which isn't that bad, and also seems to be improving in length if not in frequency.

The thing that will help everything else is bonding. With our little munchkin, this has been pretty easy. For most of the day he is a happy kid who actively seeks to bond with us. When he has a thinking chair, he will say he does not want to be adopted, but then he will crawl into my lap afterwards and pet my face and call me mommy. Our big munchkin will seek to bond occassionally, but he spends a lot of time actively seeking to push us away. As of Thursday and Friday, he really seemed to be opening up to us though. He was cuddly and wanted to be hugged, and asked if I could come have lunch with him at school one day. He also said that he would like for me to volunteer at school next year, which when originally suggested, he was very adament that I not do that. Not coincidentally, he went to bed no problem last night for the first time.

All together, there is more good than bad, and the good just keeps getting better. If you are where I am today sometime in the future, I can tell you it will continue to be more and more awesome every day!