Our boys, our sons, are fast asleep in their beds. I don't know how to explain what that feels like.
Today was Adoption Day, and it was a whirlwind! We had a lot of things to do beforehand and then once we were there, it was about three minutes of me in tears as I vowed to care for and love these boys as if they were born to me, and the attorney asking me if I understood that they were mine from now until forever. Then the judge signed the paperwork, and we took some pictures and...that was it!
In a way it was just another thing that we had to do. They have been my boys since I first met them. They are mine. So, in a way, I walked out and felt as if it was nothing special.
But, in some ways, it was really special.
Although I have been with them almost every day and night since March 28th (except for the recent sleepovers at Grandma's), in a way it feels like today is the first day of me being a parent; I don't have to ask permission or get background checks for everyone the boys spend time with (although I think the background checks are something I will miss!), I don't have to worry about court appointments, and I don't have to ask permission or check with anyone before making a decision about their well-being. It also means that they only have one name (not their birth names and the names they chose). It also means that I am their mom in every way. I am not the legal guardian. To the boys, it means that they don't have to worry about when they will leave, or if they will have to move again to someplace where they don;t know anyone or are separated. It means stability and predictability, and love forever and ever.
From now till forever, they are ours.
These little munchkins have had my heart since the moment I first saw their photographs, but I have fallen for them more and more every day.
We are just so lucky.
So is this it? Is there nothing left to blog about adoption? Not hardly! Even though it has been finalized, they have only been with us for about 3 and 3/4 months! We still have a lot to get through, my boys and I. But we will do it together, knowing that we are here for eachother forever.
I love you, my angels. Way more than you'll ever know.
Showing posts with label adoption myths. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption myths. Show all posts
Monday, July 22, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Night Tantrums
I am writing this, again, because I feel that there is a lack of people telling the truth about adoption, and telling the ugly parts in detail. Do not judge my children.
These are my children. They are hurt, and angry, and scared, and have every right to be.
I am not writing this for sympathy for my kids or myself. I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there, one day, there will be another adoptive parent going through the same thing, who just wants their baby to be happy. This is for the adoptive parent who can see their child's potential, and sees the smallest glitters of good, and praises them as if they were mountains of gold.
My big munchkin, my 7 year old, has had a rough couple weeks.
Nighttime is always hard for him for some reason, and he has had a couple doozies as far as tantrums before. The last couple weeks have been different.
It all started when we had some family come into town.
Big munchkin had a doctor appointment that Friday, and it ended up taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Like we were in that office for 4 hours. Nothing wrong; they just lost our paperwork, and had no idea who we were, then when they figured that out they had to re-fill out all our paperwork, because it was wrong, and then we had to wait for the doctor to get out of some meeting that had been scheduled because they forgot about our appointment. I have to tell you, that during this time, he was an absolute angel. No "I'm bored", no "I wanna go home", no tantrums or whining. He played quietly, colored and read a book then watched a movie. By the time we got out of there, Big Munchkin had to eat lunch because it was over already at school. Then it was 1pm. He gets out at 3. I called his caseworker, and she agreed that it wasn't worth it for him to go to school for 2 hours. Then he went to my mom's house because he wanted to see her, and I needed to get some things done at home. My mom and stepdad couldn't say enough about what a delight he was. He was very affectionate, and interacted well, played well, and used his manners.
When he got home....BAM! Different kid.
He yelled and stomped and kicked and screamed and threw stuff, etc. Till like 2 in the morning.
The next morning he was no picnic either, but he pulled it together in time to go to the beach with our visiting family. He was, again, a perfect kid.
That night, Opposite Kid came back again.
And the next day,
And the next day....
You see where this is going.
He had great days at school. His teacher writes notes home about how great he is. He loves school, and does very well.
He even had a couple decent nights.
Then his brother's birthday came. We worked really hard to make sure he felt included. He helped set up surprises for him the night before, then we spent some extra time with him reading, and let him sleep in our bed. He had another good day at school, then helped out with dinner. Family came and showered BOTH boys with attention, as usual. I could tell Big Munckin felt a little left out, so I made sure to give him extra hugs and kisses. One of his grandma's read him a story all by himself.
Then everyone left, and it was time for bed, and....well...you know. But this time, it was worse. We were a little scared that little munchkins's safety was at risk, so we told him to sleep in the guest room and to lock his door so big munchkin could not enter.
The next morning was not much better. He was tired, and cranky. We talked about the night before, and told him that we thought the reason that he is having such a rough time is because our schedule has been out of whack lately. We also told him that, at least for the rest of the school year, there would be no special outings on school nights or Sundays. The schedule would be very strict as far as bedtime and waking up time, and there will be no tv, movies or video games. All privileges that he had been working towards (sleepover, lunch and a movie with grandma) were off the table until we knew he could handle it. We explained that this is not because he is in trouble. It is because all of these things seem to make it difficult for him to control his behaviors, and that we want him to find it easy to behave. He said he understood, and was even the one who suggested that we take out video games and movies as well.
He had a great day at the party! He played with everyone, and his foster mom even came with his foster brother who he lived with for 18 months.
That night, he did have a rough time, but not nearly as bad as it has been.
Then, we got on schedule, and he has had a pretty good week. He did have a couple rough patches, but nothing too serious.
Tonight my husband had to work late, so of course it was terrible. The same yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching the bed, kicking the bed, out of bed, stuff I have seen before. I went downstairs, cleaned the house a bit, and then I realized that he was quiet. He was sleeping at long last! AND IT'S ONLY 8:30!!!!!
What am I trying to say here? Nothing really, I am trying to describe what it is like for us, one month in.
But here is what you can take from it. There are moments where this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will wonder if you are going to make it. You will think that you can not take it any longer. But in those moments, think about the whys. Why is he having a fit? Why is he so scared? Why does he say things that hurt me? Why can't he just trust me? And then you will think about the reasons. And then you will realize that one month, or 6 months or even one year, is not enough time for anyone, including a little kid, to learn to trust again, or to be sure that he is safe, and that he can trust you to be in control, and he can just be a kid and accept love. It is going to take time, but we are going to get through it. You will see little instances of improvement, like instead of finally getting to sleep at 12am, he will fall asleep at 11pm. And yeah, he will probably fall asleep at 1am every once in a while, but mostly it's 11, and then it's 10:30, then it's 10, until suddenly it's 8:30.
Find those moments. Hold on to them.
These are my children. They are hurt, and angry, and scared, and have every right to be.
I am not writing this for sympathy for my kids or myself. I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there, one day, there will be another adoptive parent going through the same thing, who just wants their baby to be happy. This is for the adoptive parent who can see their child's potential, and sees the smallest glitters of good, and praises them as if they were mountains of gold.
My big munchkin, my 7 year old, has had a rough couple weeks.
Nighttime is always hard for him for some reason, and he has had a couple doozies as far as tantrums before. The last couple weeks have been different.
It all started when we had some family come into town.
Big munchkin had a doctor appointment that Friday, and it ended up taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Like we were in that office for 4 hours. Nothing wrong; they just lost our paperwork, and had no idea who we were, then when they figured that out they had to re-fill out all our paperwork, because it was wrong, and then we had to wait for the doctor to get out of some meeting that had been scheduled because they forgot about our appointment. I have to tell you, that during this time, he was an absolute angel. No "I'm bored", no "I wanna go home", no tantrums or whining. He played quietly, colored and read a book then watched a movie. By the time we got out of there, Big Munchkin had to eat lunch because it was over already at school. Then it was 1pm. He gets out at 3. I called his caseworker, and she agreed that it wasn't worth it for him to go to school for 2 hours. Then he went to my mom's house because he wanted to see her, and I needed to get some things done at home. My mom and stepdad couldn't say enough about what a delight he was. He was very affectionate, and interacted well, played well, and used his manners.
When he got home....BAM! Different kid.
He yelled and stomped and kicked and screamed and threw stuff, etc. Till like 2 in the morning.
The next morning he was no picnic either, but he pulled it together in time to go to the beach with our visiting family. He was, again, a perfect kid.
That night, Opposite Kid came back again.
And the next day,
And the next day....
You see where this is going.
He had great days at school. His teacher writes notes home about how great he is. He loves school, and does very well.
He even had a couple decent nights.
Then his brother's birthday came. We worked really hard to make sure he felt included. He helped set up surprises for him the night before, then we spent some extra time with him reading, and let him sleep in our bed. He had another good day at school, then helped out with dinner. Family came and showered BOTH boys with attention, as usual. I could tell Big Munckin felt a little left out, so I made sure to give him extra hugs and kisses. One of his grandma's read him a story all by himself.
Then everyone left, and it was time for bed, and....well...you know. But this time, it was worse. We were a little scared that little munchkins's safety was at risk, so we told him to sleep in the guest room and to lock his door so big munchkin could not enter.
The next morning was not much better. He was tired, and cranky. We talked about the night before, and told him that we thought the reason that he is having such a rough time is because our schedule has been out of whack lately. We also told him that, at least for the rest of the school year, there would be no special outings on school nights or Sundays. The schedule would be very strict as far as bedtime and waking up time, and there will be no tv, movies or video games. All privileges that he had been working towards (sleepover, lunch and a movie with grandma) were off the table until we knew he could handle it. We explained that this is not because he is in trouble. It is because all of these things seem to make it difficult for him to control his behaviors, and that we want him to find it easy to behave. He said he understood, and was even the one who suggested that we take out video games and movies as well.
He had a great day at the party! He played with everyone, and his foster mom even came with his foster brother who he lived with for 18 months.
That night, he did have a rough time, but not nearly as bad as it has been.
Then, we got on schedule, and he has had a pretty good week. He did have a couple rough patches, but nothing too serious.
Tonight my husband had to work late, so of course it was terrible. The same yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching the bed, kicking the bed, out of bed, stuff I have seen before. I went downstairs, cleaned the house a bit, and then I realized that he was quiet. He was sleeping at long last! AND IT'S ONLY 8:30!!!!!
What am I trying to say here? Nothing really, I am trying to describe what it is like for us, one month in.
But here is what you can take from it. There are moments where this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will wonder if you are going to make it. You will think that you can not take it any longer. But in those moments, think about the whys. Why is he having a fit? Why is he so scared? Why does he say things that hurt me? Why can't he just trust me? And then you will think about the reasons. And then you will realize that one month, or 6 months or even one year, is not enough time for anyone, including a little kid, to learn to trust again, or to be sure that he is safe, and that he can trust you to be in control, and he can just be a kid and accept love. It is going to take time, but we are going to get through it. You will see little instances of improvement, like instead of finally getting to sleep at 12am, he will fall asleep at 11pm. And yeah, he will probably fall asleep at 1am every once in a while, but mostly it's 11, and then it's 10:30, then it's 10, until suddenly it's 8:30.
Find those moments. Hold on to them.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Praise
Sometimes things I do when parenting spill over into my interactions with adults. Sometimes it's not so great (I have told my husband that he needs to clear his dinner plates from the table before he can have dessert. Force of habit!). Other times it can be a moment of epiphany.
One of the things that we must do to encourage a bond between us and the boys is try really hard to notice, and acknowledge, the little things they do that are right and good. "Great job tying your shoe!","Thank you for putting your seatbelt on!", "Thank you for spitting less on the mirror, more in the sink!", and so on. It lets them know that I care about them, and that I notice that they are trying their best. They feel appreciated, and are more likely to pay attention when I tell them to correct their behavior, because they know they will receive more praise once they do.
I have noticed that we do not do this with our adult interactions nearly enough. Today a customer gave me two fives instead of a ten. Without even thinking I said "I really appreciate the small bills! Thank you!" She smiled, and we had a great conversation. People do not often feel that they are fully appreciated for their efforts. If we all took the second of time to just acknowledge the little things, we could all be a lot happier!
One of the things that we must do to encourage a bond between us and the boys is try really hard to notice, and acknowledge, the little things they do that are right and good. "Great job tying your shoe!","Thank you for putting your seatbelt on!", "Thank you for spitting less on the mirror, more in the sink!", and so on. It lets them know that I care about them, and that I notice that they are trying their best. They feel appreciated, and are more likely to pay attention when I tell them to correct their behavior, because they know they will receive more praise once they do.
I have noticed that we do not do this with our adult interactions nearly enough. Today a customer gave me two fives instead of a ten. Without even thinking I said "I really appreciate the small bills! Thank you!" She smiled, and we had a great conversation. People do not often feel that they are fully appreciated for their efforts. If we all took the second of time to just acknowledge the little things, we could all be a lot happier!
Saturday, April 6, 2013
One Week Later
It has been a little over a week since both boys officially moved in. It has been exhausting, tiring, grating, scary, hilarious, fun, sweet, amazing, wonderful, fantastic. We have had so much fun, from car rides singing Wee Sing Silly Songs, to playing board games and card games, to teaching them to ride bikes and dinner conversations. We love these boys so much, and already can't imagine life without them. My heart is so full with love and joy. We look forward to watching them grow up, and watching them be kids!
I want to say that before I continue this post. I am writing this post as an informative one. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "What to expect during adoption transitioning" and "What to expect the first week your adoptive child moves in" or variations thereof. I hardly saw an answer that made me feel better, or told me how to prepare, or just someone saying what they were seeing. I want to provide a clear picture, just so that anyone who might read this who is considering adoption has an idea. I also want to protect the boys privacy, so I will provide as much info as I can. If you have specific questions, please contact us!
We are so happy to have our family all together. But it is an adjustment for everyone. Greg and I feel we are prepared for everything that has come our way as far as behavior, and we expected it, but it's still hard.
The boys have a really hard time at night. They are both afraid of the dark, which is normal, but they also do not like the peace and solitude that comes with bedtime. It is hard when all of your thoughts come rushing to you at once. It is harder if you are a little boy who has just moved to ANOTHER new place, with more new people and new rules, on top of missing their old families and friends. It's a lot for anyone. It has been a fight every night for them to get to sleep. They are vying for control as well. These little boys feel they can not trust adults to take care of them, so they test our control, and our ability to take care of them. Our little one is much less traumatized, and has a lot more good nights than bad. He also has a different personality than our big guy. Big guy is quiet and introspective. He also remembers a lot more than his little brother. His foster mother once described him as a little old man; he is quiet, doesn't like a lot of noise or fuss, and is a little grumpy. Lately though, there are shining moments where you can see the kid coming out in him.
Our little munchkin is a really picky eater. He has a hard time with hard or crunchy foods, like raw carrots, and really only wants to eat pizza, and maybe an occassional mac and cheese. He ate the foods he wasn't fond of (namely, all vegetables) for his foster parents with no problem, but we are new people so now he refuses. He too, is improving as he learns the rules and expectations. I also sneak vegetables into his foods, like a can of pumpkin in a batch of chocolate banana smoothies, or a little spinach in the lasagna.
As far as what behavior issues we expected to see, this is nothing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, we have only had two incidents of throwing things, a pillow and a stuffed animal. We do have some lying, but most of it is normal, and the behavior seems to be clearing up as we bond. We have had a little bit of defiance, again, mostly at bedtime, but also regarding bath time and meal time, which for traumatized children, are the worst times of day. We have about two tantrums a day per boy, which isn't that bad, and also seems to be improving in length if not in frequency.
The thing that will help everything else is bonding. With our little munchkin, this has been pretty easy. For most of the day he is a happy kid who actively seeks to bond with us. When he has a thinking chair, he will say he does not want to be adopted, but then he will crawl into my lap afterwards and pet my face and call me mommy. Our big munchkin will seek to bond occassionally, but he spends a lot of time actively seeking to push us away. As of Thursday and Friday, he really seemed to be opening up to us though. He was cuddly and wanted to be hugged, and asked if I could come have lunch with him at school one day. He also said that he would like for me to volunteer at school next year, which when originally suggested, he was very adament that I not do that. Not coincidentally, he went to bed no problem last night for the first time.
All together, there is more good than bad, and the good just keeps getting better. If you are where I am today sometime in the future, I can tell you it will continue to be more and more awesome every day!
I want to say that before I continue this post. I am writing this post as an informative one. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "What to expect during adoption transitioning" and "What to expect the first week your adoptive child moves in" or variations thereof. I hardly saw an answer that made me feel better, or told me how to prepare, or just someone saying what they were seeing. I want to provide a clear picture, just so that anyone who might read this who is considering adoption has an idea. I also want to protect the boys privacy, so I will provide as much info as I can. If you have specific questions, please contact us!
We are so happy to have our family all together. But it is an adjustment for everyone. Greg and I feel we are prepared for everything that has come our way as far as behavior, and we expected it, but it's still hard.
The boys have a really hard time at night. They are both afraid of the dark, which is normal, but they also do not like the peace and solitude that comes with bedtime. It is hard when all of your thoughts come rushing to you at once. It is harder if you are a little boy who has just moved to ANOTHER new place, with more new people and new rules, on top of missing their old families and friends. It's a lot for anyone. It has been a fight every night for them to get to sleep. They are vying for control as well. These little boys feel they can not trust adults to take care of them, so they test our control, and our ability to take care of them. Our little one is much less traumatized, and has a lot more good nights than bad. He also has a different personality than our big guy. Big guy is quiet and introspective. He also remembers a lot more than his little brother. His foster mother once described him as a little old man; he is quiet, doesn't like a lot of noise or fuss, and is a little grumpy. Lately though, there are shining moments where you can see the kid coming out in him.
Our little munchkin is a really picky eater. He has a hard time with hard or crunchy foods, like raw carrots, and really only wants to eat pizza, and maybe an occassional mac and cheese. He ate the foods he wasn't fond of (namely, all vegetables) for his foster parents with no problem, but we are new people so now he refuses. He too, is improving as he learns the rules and expectations. I also sneak vegetables into his foods, like a can of pumpkin in a batch of chocolate banana smoothies, or a little spinach in the lasagna.
As far as what behavior issues we expected to see, this is nothing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, we have only had two incidents of throwing things, a pillow and a stuffed animal. We do have some lying, but most of it is normal, and the behavior seems to be clearing up as we bond. We have had a little bit of defiance, again, mostly at bedtime, but also regarding bath time and meal time, which for traumatized children, are the worst times of day. We have about two tantrums a day per boy, which isn't that bad, and also seems to be improving in length if not in frequency.
The thing that will help everything else is bonding. With our little munchkin, this has been pretty easy. For most of the day he is a happy kid who actively seeks to bond with us. When he has a thinking chair, he will say he does not want to be adopted, but then he will crawl into my lap afterwards and pet my face and call me mommy. Our big munchkin will seek to bond occassionally, but he spends a lot of time actively seeking to push us away. As of Thursday and Friday, he really seemed to be opening up to us though. He was cuddly and wanted to be hugged, and asked if I could come have lunch with him at school one day. He also said that he would like for me to volunteer at school next year, which when originally suggested, he was very adament that I not do that. Not coincidentally, he went to bed no problem last night for the first time.
All together, there is more good than bad, and the good just keeps getting better. If you are where I am today sometime in the future, I can tell you it will continue to be more and more awesome every day!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Remembering the sadness while celebrating the joy
In our excitement in becoming new parents, and the celebrating and love that we feel and share with you all, we are trying to be mindful of the factors that brought our boys to us.
No matter how you adopt a child, be it private, public, infant or older child, domestic or international, the child has experienced a loss. Sometimes biological parents know that they won't be able to properly care for their baby, and have the forsight to create an adoption plan. Still, there is a loss for the mother and for the child. Sometimes, as in our case, someone has to take the children from the parents because of their inability to care for their children. There is a great loss here for both. Even if a person does not know how to be a parent, it does not mean that they didn't love their child. The trauma that children experience before and after being removed from their biological parents can not be undone.
As the "second" parents that these boys will have, we have to remember that we can not erase their past. We can not pretend that it didn't happen; that their was trauma, and that when they were removed, their parents could not do what it took to get them back. They are bringing this pain too.
As their parents, it is our job to honor this pain and past, and do our best to fill their lives with joy, and happiness and love. We surely can not undo that which has already been done, but we can improve the future.
So, as we prepare to celebrate this journey we are about to embark upon, please keep our boys in mind, as well as their biological family, and those that have helped them along the way, and pray for all of them. Also pray for all of the children, please, who do not yet have families, or are still suffering through their trauma and struggles. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who do not know when, or if, they will ever find their forever families.
Thank you.
No matter how you adopt a child, be it private, public, infant or older child, domestic or international, the child has experienced a loss. Sometimes biological parents know that they won't be able to properly care for their baby, and have the forsight to create an adoption plan. Still, there is a loss for the mother and for the child. Sometimes, as in our case, someone has to take the children from the parents because of their inability to care for their children. There is a great loss here for both. Even if a person does not know how to be a parent, it does not mean that they didn't love their child. The trauma that children experience before and after being removed from their biological parents can not be undone.
As the "second" parents that these boys will have, we have to remember that we can not erase their past. We can not pretend that it didn't happen; that their was trauma, and that when they were removed, their parents could not do what it took to get them back. They are bringing this pain too.
As their parents, it is our job to honor this pain and past, and do our best to fill their lives with joy, and happiness and love. We surely can not undo that which has already been done, but we can improve the future.
So, as we prepare to celebrate this journey we are about to embark upon, please keep our boys in mind, as well as their biological family, and those that have helped them along the way, and pray for all of them. Also pray for all of the children, please, who do not yet have families, or are still suffering through their trauma and struggles. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who do not know when, or if, they will ever find their forever families.
Thank you.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
What to expect when you're adopting
We are so overjoyed that in 12 days, we will be able to start being parents to our boys, and really get to meet them!
Because we have done a lot (and I truly mean a LOT) of reading, we have at least a clue of what we are in for in the coming months. I wanted to give you all an idea, so I found this awesome blog post from an adoptive mom about her first year.
My favorite line in the whole thing is "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting through...", because it is so true. We know it is going to be hard. We also know that it is going to be wonderful.
Because we have done a lot (and I truly mean a LOT) of reading, we have at least a clue of what we are in for in the coming months. I wanted to give you all an idea, so I found this awesome blog post from an adoptive mom about her first year.
My favorite line in the whole thing is "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting through...", because it is so true. We know it is going to be hard. We also know that it is going to be wonderful.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Saying No...
Greg and I received the home study of a child available for adoption. We don't want to share details as to protect the child's privacy, so it is sufficient to say that we had to say no to adopting them.
Saying no is one of the hardest things I have experienced so far. There is a lot of guilt attached to it. I know it was the right thing to do, but still, it means that that child still does not have a forever home.
I know our kids are out there, and I know we have to keep our needs in mind. But it breaks my heart that I couldn't give that child a home.
Saying no is one of the hardest things I have experienced so far. There is a lot of guilt attached to it. I know it was the right thing to do, but still, it means that that child still does not have a forever home.
I know our kids are out there, and I know we have to keep our needs in mind. But it breaks my heart that I couldn't give that child a home.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Mythbusters: Public Adoption Edition
There are a lot of things people will tell you about public adoption. These people will be misguided family or friends, articles, your social workers, the agency, doctors, etc. Here are the myths we have heard, and the truths we have learned. Keep in mind, thus far our experience is only with public adoption, so we can only speak to that type of adoption!
Top 4 Myths About Public Adoption
1. All children who are up for public adoption have serious issues, and won't attach.
This one is so super duper untrue it's silly. We have met several adoptive parents and their kids, adopted from infancy, all the way to age 12. The strength of the bond that they have is equal to that of birth parents and children. Many of the children who are in foster care suffer from trauma, developmental delays and some sort of handicap. Many of them are perfectly fine after having had time to catch up thanks to the time and effort of great foster parents who have helped nurture these childrens in ways they have not experienced. Some are still a little behind, but they do catch up. There are parents for those that are handicapped, who can handle, and even embrace, their disabilities.
2. The parents or other birth relatives will try to get the kids back.
Once the parental rights have been terminated, and a child is legally adopted by another family, they can not get a child back. Your name(s) are listed on the edited birth certificate. You are from that point, and forever that childs parents.
3. The homestudy process in public adoption is quick. You should be in the matching process about 6 months from when you started.
I think caseworkers are afraid of people turning down the opportunity to adopt, so they continually give you the best case scenario. In Florida, MAPP classes are 10 weeks, then you have to wait to be assigned a caseworker (3-6 months) who will then try to make time to do your homestudy (if you get lucky, a month or so). THEN you have your FBI/criminal background check (a few weeks from the day you have your fingerprints done). As of right now, we are waiting to hear about our background checks, so it has been 6 months. We paid to start our homestudy however, so we did not have that initial wait thankfully. If you don't pay for your homestudy it would be 3-6 months on top of everything else through public adoption.
4. If you have an open adoption, or any contact with any relatives, your child will not attach, or will be confused.
I have met several adoptive and foster parents who have very open relationships with birth family. The children are not confused at all. They understand that their adoptive parents are the number one authority, they are the people who provide comfort, security and direction, and the birth parents are like extended family. Imagine if the the first few years of your life were completely wiped from existence; wouldn't that be more confusing? If the entirety of their birth family is rejected, it can cause the child to feel that a part of themself is not good enough, and should also be rejected. By allowing for positive role models from the birth family to be involved with the child, and showing that you can accept them too, you are telling the child that there is no part of them that you do not want.
These are the biggies. I am sure there are more, and I will add to the list as I see them!
Top 4 Myths About Public Adoption
1. All children who are up for public adoption have serious issues, and won't attach.
This one is so super duper untrue it's silly. We have met several adoptive parents and their kids, adopted from infancy, all the way to age 12. The strength of the bond that they have is equal to that of birth parents and children. Many of the children who are in foster care suffer from trauma, developmental delays and some sort of handicap. Many of them are perfectly fine after having had time to catch up thanks to the time and effort of great foster parents who have helped nurture these childrens in ways they have not experienced. Some are still a little behind, but they do catch up. There are parents for those that are handicapped, who can handle, and even embrace, their disabilities.
2. The parents or other birth relatives will try to get the kids back.
Once the parental rights have been terminated, and a child is legally adopted by another family, they can not get a child back. Your name(s) are listed on the edited birth certificate. You are from that point, and forever that childs parents.
3. The homestudy process in public adoption is quick. You should be in the matching process about 6 months from when you started.
I think caseworkers are afraid of people turning down the opportunity to adopt, so they continually give you the best case scenario. In Florida, MAPP classes are 10 weeks, then you have to wait to be assigned a caseworker (3-6 months) who will then try to make time to do your homestudy (if you get lucky, a month or so). THEN you have your FBI/criminal background check (a few weeks from the day you have your fingerprints done). As of right now, we are waiting to hear about our background checks, so it has been 6 months. We paid to start our homestudy however, so we did not have that initial wait thankfully. If you don't pay for your homestudy it would be 3-6 months on top of everything else through public adoption.
4. If you have an open adoption, or any contact with any relatives, your child will not attach, or will be confused.
I have met several adoptive and foster parents who have very open relationships with birth family. The children are not confused at all. They understand that their adoptive parents are the number one authority, they are the people who provide comfort, security and direction, and the birth parents are like extended family. Imagine if the the first few years of your life were completely wiped from existence; wouldn't that be more confusing? If the entirety of their birth family is rejected, it can cause the child to feel that a part of themself is not good enough, and should also be rejected. By allowing for positive role models from the birth family to be involved with the child, and showing that you can accept them too, you are telling the child that there is no part of them that you do not want.
These are the biggies. I am sure there are more, and I will add to the list as I see them!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)