Our sweet angels have been with us for about a month and a half now.
Every day, and every minute has its ups and downs, and we are still getting used to eachother, and learning how to be a family. Mornings are rough. Bedtime is worse.There is still arguing. There is still a lot of "thinking chairs". Right now, it is the in between moments that I realize how happy I am to be a mom, to be their mom. I am so incredibly blessed. The last few days that I have dropped them off to school and am suddenly by myself, I become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for these two, wonderful, incredible, amazing boys.
I remember life before they were here. Maybe it is because I am still new at this, but life before these guys seems to lack color now. Sure, it was easier, and I didn't have to worry about the happiness and wellbeing of two other little people, but sometimes just because sometimes something is easy, doesn't make it better. In fact, I find the old saying that anything worth having is worth fighting for is completely true. This has been frustrating, scary, sad, physically and emotionally exhausting, but I am so glad that we did it, every moment of every day.
I love you boys more than I think you will ever know.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Praise
Sometimes things I do when parenting spill over into my interactions with adults. Sometimes it's not so great (I have told my husband that he needs to clear his dinner plates from the table before he can have dessert. Force of habit!). Other times it can be a moment of epiphany.
One of the things that we must do to encourage a bond between us and the boys is try really hard to notice, and acknowledge, the little things they do that are right and good. "Great job tying your shoe!","Thank you for putting your seatbelt on!", "Thank you for spitting less on the mirror, more in the sink!", and so on. It lets them know that I care about them, and that I notice that they are trying their best. They feel appreciated, and are more likely to pay attention when I tell them to correct their behavior, because they know they will receive more praise once they do.
I have noticed that we do not do this with our adult interactions nearly enough. Today a customer gave me two fives instead of a ten. Without even thinking I said "I really appreciate the small bills! Thank you!" She smiled, and we had a great conversation. People do not often feel that they are fully appreciated for their efforts. If we all took the second of time to just acknowledge the little things, we could all be a lot happier!
One of the things that we must do to encourage a bond between us and the boys is try really hard to notice, and acknowledge, the little things they do that are right and good. "Great job tying your shoe!","Thank you for putting your seatbelt on!", "Thank you for spitting less on the mirror, more in the sink!", and so on. It lets them know that I care about them, and that I notice that they are trying their best. They feel appreciated, and are more likely to pay attention when I tell them to correct their behavior, because they know they will receive more praise once they do.
I have noticed that we do not do this with our adult interactions nearly enough. Today a customer gave me two fives instead of a ten. Without even thinking I said "I really appreciate the small bills! Thank you!" She smiled, and we had a great conversation. People do not often feel that they are fully appreciated for their efforts. If we all took the second of time to just acknowledge the little things, we could all be a lot happier!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Little Munchkin's 5th Birthday
My littlest munchkin is turning five, and everytime we talk about his birthday he wants a different theme. In fact, the only thing he seems to be sure of is that we need to have a water fight!
So, to solve this dilemma, I have decided that the theme is "Things Little Munchkin Loves", and I am allowing him to pick out all the decorations. I know what I would have bought, so I am just going to let him decide what design or style he wants. Will it match? Nope. Will he love it? Yup.
The only thing I am picking out is the invitations, which I made at home, because that nonsense is too expensive.
Oh, and the party is at the park, because then I don't have a mess to clean up at the house.
Everything else; streamers, balloons, napkins, plates, cups, favors, other decor was chosen by our little P, or we had it and used it too!
Saturday, April 6, 2013
One Week Later
It has been a little over a week since both boys officially moved in. It has been exhausting, tiring, grating, scary, hilarious, fun, sweet, amazing, wonderful, fantastic. We have had so much fun, from car rides singing Wee Sing Silly Songs, to playing board games and card games, to teaching them to ride bikes and dinner conversations. We love these boys so much, and already can't imagine life without them. My heart is so full with love and joy. We look forward to watching them grow up, and watching them be kids!
I want to say that before I continue this post. I am writing this post as an informative one. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "What to expect during adoption transitioning" and "What to expect the first week your adoptive child moves in" or variations thereof. I hardly saw an answer that made me feel better, or told me how to prepare, or just someone saying what they were seeing. I want to provide a clear picture, just so that anyone who might read this who is considering adoption has an idea. I also want to protect the boys privacy, so I will provide as much info as I can. If you have specific questions, please contact us!
We are so happy to have our family all together. But it is an adjustment for everyone. Greg and I feel we are prepared for everything that has come our way as far as behavior, and we expected it, but it's still hard.
The boys have a really hard time at night. They are both afraid of the dark, which is normal, but they also do not like the peace and solitude that comes with bedtime. It is hard when all of your thoughts come rushing to you at once. It is harder if you are a little boy who has just moved to ANOTHER new place, with more new people and new rules, on top of missing their old families and friends. It's a lot for anyone. It has been a fight every night for them to get to sleep. They are vying for control as well. These little boys feel they can not trust adults to take care of them, so they test our control, and our ability to take care of them. Our little one is much less traumatized, and has a lot more good nights than bad. He also has a different personality than our big guy. Big guy is quiet and introspective. He also remembers a lot more than his little brother. His foster mother once described him as a little old man; he is quiet, doesn't like a lot of noise or fuss, and is a little grumpy. Lately though, there are shining moments where you can see the kid coming out in him.
Our little munchkin is a really picky eater. He has a hard time with hard or crunchy foods, like raw carrots, and really only wants to eat pizza, and maybe an occassional mac and cheese. He ate the foods he wasn't fond of (namely, all vegetables) for his foster parents with no problem, but we are new people so now he refuses. He too, is improving as he learns the rules and expectations. I also sneak vegetables into his foods, like a can of pumpkin in a batch of chocolate banana smoothies, or a little spinach in the lasagna.
As far as what behavior issues we expected to see, this is nothing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, we have only had two incidents of throwing things, a pillow and a stuffed animal. We do have some lying, but most of it is normal, and the behavior seems to be clearing up as we bond. We have had a little bit of defiance, again, mostly at bedtime, but also regarding bath time and meal time, which for traumatized children, are the worst times of day. We have about two tantrums a day per boy, which isn't that bad, and also seems to be improving in length if not in frequency.
The thing that will help everything else is bonding. With our little munchkin, this has been pretty easy. For most of the day he is a happy kid who actively seeks to bond with us. When he has a thinking chair, he will say he does not want to be adopted, but then he will crawl into my lap afterwards and pet my face and call me mommy. Our big munchkin will seek to bond occassionally, but he spends a lot of time actively seeking to push us away. As of Thursday and Friday, he really seemed to be opening up to us though. He was cuddly and wanted to be hugged, and asked if I could come have lunch with him at school one day. He also said that he would like for me to volunteer at school next year, which when originally suggested, he was very adament that I not do that. Not coincidentally, he went to bed no problem last night for the first time.
All together, there is more good than bad, and the good just keeps getting better. If you are where I am today sometime in the future, I can tell you it will continue to be more and more awesome every day!
I want to say that before I continue this post. I am writing this post as an informative one. I can't tell you how many times I Googled "What to expect during adoption transitioning" and "What to expect the first week your adoptive child moves in" or variations thereof. I hardly saw an answer that made me feel better, or told me how to prepare, or just someone saying what they were seeing. I want to provide a clear picture, just so that anyone who might read this who is considering adoption has an idea. I also want to protect the boys privacy, so I will provide as much info as I can. If you have specific questions, please contact us!
We are so happy to have our family all together. But it is an adjustment for everyone. Greg and I feel we are prepared for everything that has come our way as far as behavior, and we expected it, but it's still hard.
The boys have a really hard time at night. They are both afraid of the dark, which is normal, but they also do not like the peace and solitude that comes with bedtime. It is hard when all of your thoughts come rushing to you at once. It is harder if you are a little boy who has just moved to ANOTHER new place, with more new people and new rules, on top of missing their old families and friends. It's a lot for anyone. It has been a fight every night for them to get to sleep. They are vying for control as well. These little boys feel they can not trust adults to take care of them, so they test our control, and our ability to take care of them. Our little one is much less traumatized, and has a lot more good nights than bad. He also has a different personality than our big guy. Big guy is quiet and introspective. He also remembers a lot more than his little brother. His foster mother once described him as a little old man; he is quiet, doesn't like a lot of noise or fuss, and is a little grumpy. Lately though, there are shining moments where you can see the kid coming out in him.
Our little munchkin is a really picky eater. He has a hard time with hard or crunchy foods, like raw carrots, and really only wants to eat pizza, and maybe an occassional mac and cheese. He ate the foods he wasn't fond of (namely, all vegetables) for his foster parents with no problem, but we are new people so now he refuses. He too, is improving as he learns the rules and expectations. I also sneak vegetables into his foods, like a can of pumpkin in a batch of chocolate banana smoothies, or a little spinach in the lasagna.
As far as what behavior issues we expected to see, this is nothing. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far, we have only had two incidents of throwing things, a pillow and a stuffed animal. We do have some lying, but most of it is normal, and the behavior seems to be clearing up as we bond. We have had a little bit of defiance, again, mostly at bedtime, but also regarding bath time and meal time, which for traumatized children, are the worst times of day. We have about two tantrums a day per boy, which isn't that bad, and also seems to be improving in length if not in frequency.
The thing that will help everything else is bonding. With our little munchkin, this has been pretty easy. For most of the day he is a happy kid who actively seeks to bond with us. When he has a thinking chair, he will say he does not want to be adopted, but then he will crawl into my lap afterwards and pet my face and call me mommy. Our big munchkin will seek to bond occassionally, but he spends a lot of time actively seeking to push us away. As of Thursday and Friday, he really seemed to be opening up to us though. He was cuddly and wanted to be hugged, and asked if I could come have lunch with him at school one day. He also said that he would like for me to volunteer at school next year, which when originally suggested, he was very adament that I not do that. Not coincidentally, he went to bed no problem last night for the first time.
All together, there is more good than bad, and the good just keeps getting better. If you are where I am today sometime in the future, I can tell you it will continue to be more and more awesome every day!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Day By Day
So the boys spent all of last weekend with us. K was on Spring Break, so he even got to hang out for a while Monday.
It was an overwhelming weekend, especially for K, because he is a little older. A new family, a new house, is all a lot to take in. On top of that, it was Greg's birthday and we had some family in town, so they met a lot of new people, and were overstimulated. He had a good time though, and seemed to really enjoy himself! P has a hard time at bedtime and when he first awakes, and really REALLY does not like to be disciplined but the rest of the day is absolutely wonderful.
P spent most of the week with us, and basically wants to be here all the time. He asks (yells really) for his foster mom when we tell him it's bedtime, when it's time to take a shower, and when he has to have a time out. As soon as he has calmed down, he is all smiles and very lovey dovey. He does tell me he misses her sometimes, so I tell him he can call her or when he will see her next.
This weekend has been a little more normal. K spent the night Saturday, and during the day we went to a kid's birthday party. Then we had a nice quiet dinner and played with toys and in the back yard. K had a little breakdown about going to bed, but nothing big, and we talked about it in the morning and I think all is well!
As far as them moving in, P is not officially moved in, but is now spending more time here than at his foster family's home. K is transitioning a little more slowly. He has spent the weekends with us, and called us while at his foster mom's, but I think in the coming weeks will be spending a lot more time with us.
K especially loves spending time with Greg! He wants to be with him most of the time. He wants to do everything he does, and takes an interest in everything Greg likes. It's incredibly adorable! K loves legos, reading and more quiet activities, but he is really good at outdoor stuff and sports too. He is just such a sweet kid!
P wants to do whatever his big brother is doing, or if that isn't an option, is absolutely and completely obsessed with Hungry Hungry Hippos, and the book Green Eggs and Ham. He also seems to have a real interest in music, which is great, because we are a pretty musical family! He is a silly, giggly, little boy!
Overall, my house is an absolute disaster, I didn't get to wash my hair or shave my legs for a week, I am super behind on returning phone calls and emails, but I am so incredibly happy. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because, especially while the boys are transitioning, nothing is more important than spending time with them however I can.
It was an overwhelming weekend, especially for K, because he is a little older. A new family, a new house, is all a lot to take in. On top of that, it was Greg's birthday and we had some family in town, so they met a lot of new people, and were overstimulated. He had a good time though, and seemed to really enjoy himself! P has a hard time at bedtime and when he first awakes, and really REALLY does not like to be disciplined but the rest of the day is absolutely wonderful.
P spent most of the week with us, and basically wants to be here all the time. He asks (yells really) for his foster mom when we tell him it's bedtime, when it's time to take a shower, and when he has to have a time out. As soon as he has calmed down, he is all smiles and very lovey dovey. He does tell me he misses her sometimes, so I tell him he can call her or when he will see her next.
This weekend has been a little more normal. K spent the night Saturday, and during the day we went to a kid's birthday party. Then we had a nice quiet dinner and played with toys and in the back yard. K had a little breakdown about going to bed, but nothing big, and we talked about it in the morning and I think all is well!
As far as them moving in, P is not officially moved in, but is now spending more time here than at his foster family's home. K is transitioning a little more slowly. He has spent the weekends with us, and called us while at his foster mom's, but I think in the coming weeks will be spending a lot more time with us.
K especially loves spending time with Greg! He wants to be with him most of the time. He wants to do everything he does, and takes an interest in everything Greg likes. It's incredibly adorable! K loves legos, reading and more quiet activities, but he is really good at outdoor stuff and sports too. He is just such a sweet kid!
P wants to do whatever his big brother is doing, or if that isn't an option, is absolutely and completely obsessed with Hungry Hungry Hippos, and the book Green Eggs and Ham. He also seems to have a real interest in music, which is great, because we are a pretty musical family! He is a silly, giggly, little boy!
Overall, my house is an absolute disaster, I didn't get to wash my hair or shave my legs for a week, I am super behind on returning phone calls and emails, but I am so incredibly happy. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because, especially while the boys are transitioning, nothing is more important than spending time with them however I can.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Here and Now
So the meeting was Tuesday! We all sat in the room and talked about the boys, and went over their history again. They gave us the boys records, and made sure that we were still on board which, of course, we were!
P's foster mom, Michelle, invited us to have dinner with our little guy! We headed down, and they even let us tell him we were his mommy and daddy! He was so excited, but it took a little time for it to sink in.
A little later, we were all playing with P in his room and he called for Greg, and called him daddy! Then, he got excited about saying it and just kept saying it! A little later he called me mommy a couple times. Talk about emotions! P was very upset when we left, but we promised him that I would come visit with him again the next day because Greg had to work.
Today after work I headed down and went with Michelle to pick him up from daycare. I was worried he would be nervous today, but he said "Mommy!" and ran into my arms! Then he wouldn't let me put him down! We went to Michael's Craft Store to get something for P to make for Greg for his birthday, and then back to his house for dinner and playtime. The last two days have been the best of my life!
And tommorrow is only going to be better, because K and P are coming to our house for dinner! K's foster mom is bringing him and we are all going to have dinner together! Our boys under our roof! I couldn't be happier!
P's foster mom, Michelle, invited us to have dinner with our little guy! We headed down, and they even let us tell him we were his mommy and daddy! He was so excited, but it took a little time for it to sink in.
A little later, we were all playing with P in his room and he called for Greg, and called him daddy! Then, he got excited about saying it and just kept saying it! A little later he called me mommy a couple times. Talk about emotions! P was very upset when we left, but we promised him that I would come visit with him again the next day because Greg had to work.
Today after work I headed down and went with Michelle to pick him up from daycare. I was worried he would be nervous today, but he said "Mommy!" and ran into my arms! Then he wouldn't let me put him down! We went to Michael's Craft Store to get something for P to make for Greg for his birthday, and then back to his house for dinner and playtime. The last two days have been the best of my life!
And tommorrow is only going to be better, because K and P are coming to our house for dinner! K's foster mom is bringing him and we are all going to have dinner together! Our boys under our roof! I couldn't be happier!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Remembering the sadness while celebrating the joy
In our excitement in becoming new parents, and the celebrating and love that we feel and share with you all, we are trying to be mindful of the factors that brought our boys to us.
No matter how you adopt a child, be it private, public, infant or older child, domestic or international, the child has experienced a loss. Sometimes biological parents know that they won't be able to properly care for their baby, and have the forsight to create an adoption plan. Still, there is a loss for the mother and for the child. Sometimes, as in our case, someone has to take the children from the parents because of their inability to care for their children. There is a great loss here for both. Even if a person does not know how to be a parent, it does not mean that they didn't love their child. The trauma that children experience before and after being removed from their biological parents can not be undone.
As the "second" parents that these boys will have, we have to remember that we can not erase their past. We can not pretend that it didn't happen; that their was trauma, and that when they were removed, their parents could not do what it took to get them back. They are bringing this pain too.
As their parents, it is our job to honor this pain and past, and do our best to fill their lives with joy, and happiness and love. We surely can not undo that which has already been done, but we can improve the future.
So, as we prepare to celebrate this journey we are about to embark upon, please keep our boys in mind, as well as their biological family, and those that have helped them along the way, and pray for all of them. Also pray for all of the children, please, who do not yet have families, or are still suffering through their trauma and struggles. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who do not know when, or if, they will ever find their forever families.
Thank you.
No matter how you adopt a child, be it private, public, infant or older child, domestic or international, the child has experienced a loss. Sometimes biological parents know that they won't be able to properly care for their baby, and have the forsight to create an adoption plan. Still, there is a loss for the mother and for the child. Sometimes, as in our case, someone has to take the children from the parents because of their inability to care for their children. There is a great loss here for both. Even if a person does not know how to be a parent, it does not mean that they didn't love their child. The trauma that children experience before and after being removed from their biological parents can not be undone.
As the "second" parents that these boys will have, we have to remember that we can not erase their past. We can not pretend that it didn't happen; that their was trauma, and that when they were removed, their parents could not do what it took to get them back. They are bringing this pain too.
As their parents, it is our job to honor this pain and past, and do our best to fill their lives with joy, and happiness and love. We surely can not undo that which has already been done, but we can improve the future.
So, as we prepare to celebrate this journey we are about to embark upon, please keep our boys in mind, as well as their biological family, and those that have helped them along the way, and pray for all of them. Also pray for all of the children, please, who do not yet have families, or are still suffering through their trauma and struggles. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the world who do not know when, or if, they will ever find their forever families.
Thank you.
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