First,
Let me apologize for not posting more often. When the boys got out of school, it got like, super duper ridiculously busy! I am loving every minute of it!
Now on to the good news! Our court date is just a few days from now! On July 22nd, our boys will legally be our boys forever and ever!
The boys are excited, and a little scared. Big guy is more scared about being in court in front of the judge. He doesn't like to be the center of attention when there is a lot of other people around. Little guy is scared, but he doesn't know why. He cries at almost nothing and can't pin down exactly why he is sad, is moody and cranky, and just confused I think. I feel terrible for him, and I wish I could help him more. For now, we talk and cuddle as often as we can.
Big guy had summer camp about a week ago and had a blast! He loved learning to surf and skim and stand-up paddle board. He was the littlest kid there, so he was a little discouraged that he didn't get as far as other kids did, but considering that he was the least experienced (kids who live here basically grow up at the beach from like age 3) and the smallest. He held his own! He even won an award for most improved! I think on Monday I will take him by the shop that ran the camp to say hi to his counselors. He really loved spending time with them.
Little guy has Lego camp this coming week (in fact, his first day is Monday and he will miss most of it!), and he will be building with legos and learning about space! How cool is that!
I am just so happy to have my boys. Even though things are not perfect, I am just so incredibly happy to have these amazing little spirits in my life every day. They had their first sleepover at Grandmas a few weeks ago, and I was distraught. It was too quiet, and I didn't know what to do with myself, and I just missed them. I was in tears most of the time, while they had a blast. I just love them so much. I am so lucky to be there mommy!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
90 Days
Yesterday marked the 90th day that our boys have lived with us, which means that we can officially petition for adoption! We should have a court date by July 1st! To mark the occassion, some family came over for dessert ( a cake that Little Munchkin helped bake from scratch, and Big Munchkin decorated!) and we toasted them and celebrated how much we love them and just spent time together as a family.
90 days of good mornings and good nights
90 breakfasts and dinners
90 days of laundry
90 days of bedtime stories
90 days of kisses
90 days of play
90 days of thinking chairs
90 days of "I love you"
Only 90, and at the same time, a whole 90! Depending on how I think about it, it feels like it's been forever, or just a few moments.
I feel like I have known and loved these boys forever, but it seems like only yesterday that I got that phone call.
When they have a hard time going to bed it feels like "I can't believe he is still doing this!", but it really hasn't been long at all. Now, in retrospect, Big Munchkin maybe had one really bad month, and Little Munchkin has had a bad week or two. Considering that they have been uprooted from the one place they finally felt safe, after a series of different foster homes and placements, that they knew they were not going to attend the same school next year, and still has to adjust to two new people who have new rules and new ways of doing things, it's only been 3 months. I mean, I almost feel silly for feeling so frustrated.
There's a lesson there for me. It is important to take it moment by moment, but it is also important to make sure you are taking a good look at the big picture.
90 wonderful, fabulous days with my boys.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Summer "School"
I just need to rant for a minute.
The other day at the library, they were doing some practice, and a woman told me that I should just let them be kids and play. "Afterall, it's summer vacation!" I smiled, and just went back to helping Little Munchkin with his sight words, but I was pretty peeved.
My kids have changed homes, parents, and ways of life in the past three months. They are going to new schools this August. That takes a toll on what they learned in school, and how they will learn when they get to school this year. What I am doing is giving just a little extra cushioning to make sure that they are well prepared.
First of all, the stuff they do amounts to a little under an hour a day, 5 days a week. That's less than one school day a week for the summer. Secondly, kids lose up to 80% of what they learn every school year over the first month of summer vacation. I am just trying to keep a little bit of that in their heads. The rest of the day is filled with playgrounds, legos, arts and crafts, bowling, movies, and the beach. They are having plenty of fun. Lastly, and most astounding to me, since when did it become ok for anyone, but especially a stranger, to criticize a parent IN FRONT OF HER KIDS?
Seriously, I have no problem with a little friendly advice, but not in front of my kids, and not while I am actively parenting. If you want to come to me later, when they are not around, and give me some advice, I will be open to receiving it, but probably not if you are some random person in the library, or on the street.
This is an active issue. At one Foster Adoptive Parent Association meeting, a foster mom told about how one of her kids threw a huge tantrum in the middle of the store because she wouldn't buy him a toy. As she was taking him out of the store, kicking and screaming, another person came up to her and said "Just buy him the damn toy. Then he will stop." One, that is terrible advice. Two, did you really just undermine that parents authority, in the middle of public, in front of the child? She just said she doesn't reward bad behavior and walked out. I probably would have asked the person how their kids were doing in prison.
End Rant.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Night Tantrums
I am writing this, again, because I feel that there is a lack of people telling the truth about adoption, and telling the ugly parts in detail. Do not judge my children.
These are my children. They are hurt, and angry, and scared, and have every right to be.
I am not writing this for sympathy for my kids or myself. I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there, one day, there will be another adoptive parent going through the same thing, who just wants their baby to be happy. This is for the adoptive parent who can see their child's potential, and sees the smallest glitters of good, and praises them as if they were mountains of gold.
My big munchkin, my 7 year old, has had a rough couple weeks.
Nighttime is always hard for him for some reason, and he has had a couple doozies as far as tantrums before. The last couple weeks have been different.
It all started when we had some family come into town.
Big munchkin had a doctor appointment that Friday, and it ended up taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Like we were in that office for 4 hours. Nothing wrong; they just lost our paperwork, and had no idea who we were, then when they figured that out they had to re-fill out all our paperwork, because it was wrong, and then we had to wait for the doctor to get out of some meeting that had been scheduled because they forgot about our appointment. I have to tell you, that during this time, he was an absolute angel. No "I'm bored", no "I wanna go home", no tantrums or whining. He played quietly, colored and read a book then watched a movie. By the time we got out of there, Big Munchkin had to eat lunch because it was over already at school. Then it was 1pm. He gets out at 3. I called his caseworker, and she agreed that it wasn't worth it for him to go to school for 2 hours. Then he went to my mom's house because he wanted to see her, and I needed to get some things done at home. My mom and stepdad couldn't say enough about what a delight he was. He was very affectionate, and interacted well, played well, and used his manners.
When he got home....BAM! Different kid.
He yelled and stomped and kicked and screamed and threw stuff, etc. Till like 2 in the morning.
The next morning he was no picnic either, but he pulled it together in time to go to the beach with our visiting family. He was, again, a perfect kid.
That night, Opposite Kid came back again.
And the next day,
And the next day....
You see where this is going.
He had great days at school. His teacher writes notes home about how great he is. He loves school, and does very well.
He even had a couple decent nights.
Then his brother's birthday came. We worked really hard to make sure he felt included. He helped set up surprises for him the night before, then we spent some extra time with him reading, and let him sleep in our bed. He had another good day at school, then helped out with dinner. Family came and showered BOTH boys with attention, as usual. I could tell Big Munckin felt a little left out, so I made sure to give him extra hugs and kisses. One of his grandma's read him a story all by himself.
Then everyone left, and it was time for bed, and....well...you know. But this time, it was worse. We were a little scared that little munchkins's safety was at risk, so we told him to sleep in the guest room and to lock his door so big munchkin could not enter.
The next morning was not much better. He was tired, and cranky. We talked about the night before, and told him that we thought the reason that he is having such a rough time is because our schedule has been out of whack lately. We also told him that, at least for the rest of the school year, there would be no special outings on school nights or Sundays. The schedule would be very strict as far as bedtime and waking up time, and there will be no tv, movies or video games. All privileges that he had been working towards (sleepover, lunch and a movie with grandma) were off the table until we knew he could handle it. We explained that this is not because he is in trouble. It is because all of these things seem to make it difficult for him to control his behaviors, and that we want him to find it easy to behave. He said he understood, and was even the one who suggested that we take out video games and movies as well.
He had a great day at the party! He played with everyone, and his foster mom even came with his foster brother who he lived with for 18 months.
That night, he did have a rough time, but not nearly as bad as it has been.
Then, we got on schedule, and he has had a pretty good week. He did have a couple rough patches, but nothing too serious.
Tonight my husband had to work late, so of course it was terrible. The same yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching the bed, kicking the bed, out of bed, stuff I have seen before. I went downstairs, cleaned the house a bit, and then I realized that he was quiet. He was sleeping at long last! AND IT'S ONLY 8:30!!!!!
What am I trying to say here? Nothing really, I am trying to describe what it is like for us, one month in.
But here is what you can take from it. There are moments where this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will wonder if you are going to make it. You will think that you can not take it any longer. But in those moments, think about the whys. Why is he having a fit? Why is he so scared? Why does he say things that hurt me? Why can't he just trust me? And then you will think about the reasons. And then you will realize that one month, or 6 months or even one year, is not enough time for anyone, including a little kid, to learn to trust again, or to be sure that he is safe, and that he can trust you to be in control, and he can just be a kid and accept love. It is going to take time, but we are going to get through it. You will see little instances of improvement, like instead of finally getting to sleep at 12am, he will fall asleep at 11pm. And yeah, he will probably fall asleep at 1am every once in a while, but mostly it's 11, and then it's 10:30, then it's 10, until suddenly it's 8:30.
Find those moments. Hold on to them.
These are my children. They are hurt, and angry, and scared, and have every right to be.
I am not writing this for sympathy for my kids or myself. I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there, one day, there will be another adoptive parent going through the same thing, who just wants their baby to be happy. This is for the adoptive parent who can see their child's potential, and sees the smallest glitters of good, and praises them as if they were mountains of gold.
My big munchkin, my 7 year old, has had a rough couple weeks.
Nighttime is always hard for him for some reason, and he has had a couple doozies as far as tantrums before. The last couple weeks have been different.
It all started when we had some family come into town.
Big munchkin had a doctor appointment that Friday, and it ended up taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Like we were in that office for 4 hours. Nothing wrong; they just lost our paperwork, and had no idea who we were, then when they figured that out they had to re-fill out all our paperwork, because it was wrong, and then we had to wait for the doctor to get out of some meeting that had been scheduled because they forgot about our appointment. I have to tell you, that during this time, he was an absolute angel. No "I'm bored", no "I wanna go home", no tantrums or whining. He played quietly, colored and read a book then watched a movie. By the time we got out of there, Big Munchkin had to eat lunch because it was over already at school. Then it was 1pm. He gets out at 3. I called his caseworker, and she agreed that it wasn't worth it for him to go to school for 2 hours. Then he went to my mom's house because he wanted to see her, and I needed to get some things done at home. My mom and stepdad couldn't say enough about what a delight he was. He was very affectionate, and interacted well, played well, and used his manners.
When he got home....BAM! Different kid.
He yelled and stomped and kicked and screamed and threw stuff, etc. Till like 2 in the morning.
The next morning he was no picnic either, but he pulled it together in time to go to the beach with our visiting family. He was, again, a perfect kid.
That night, Opposite Kid came back again.
And the next day,
And the next day....
You see where this is going.
He had great days at school. His teacher writes notes home about how great he is. He loves school, and does very well.
He even had a couple decent nights.
Then his brother's birthday came. We worked really hard to make sure he felt included. He helped set up surprises for him the night before, then we spent some extra time with him reading, and let him sleep in our bed. He had another good day at school, then helped out with dinner. Family came and showered BOTH boys with attention, as usual. I could tell Big Munckin felt a little left out, so I made sure to give him extra hugs and kisses. One of his grandma's read him a story all by himself.
Then everyone left, and it was time for bed, and....well...you know. But this time, it was worse. We were a little scared that little munchkins's safety was at risk, so we told him to sleep in the guest room and to lock his door so big munchkin could not enter.
The next morning was not much better. He was tired, and cranky. We talked about the night before, and told him that we thought the reason that he is having such a rough time is because our schedule has been out of whack lately. We also told him that, at least for the rest of the school year, there would be no special outings on school nights or Sundays. The schedule would be very strict as far as bedtime and waking up time, and there will be no tv, movies or video games. All privileges that he had been working towards (sleepover, lunch and a movie with grandma) were off the table until we knew he could handle it. We explained that this is not because he is in trouble. It is because all of these things seem to make it difficult for him to control his behaviors, and that we want him to find it easy to behave. He said he understood, and was even the one who suggested that we take out video games and movies as well.
He had a great day at the party! He played with everyone, and his foster mom even came with his foster brother who he lived with for 18 months.
That night, he did have a rough time, but not nearly as bad as it has been.
Then, we got on schedule, and he has had a pretty good week. He did have a couple rough patches, but nothing too serious.
Tonight my husband had to work late, so of course it was terrible. The same yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching the bed, kicking the bed, out of bed, stuff I have seen before. I went downstairs, cleaned the house a bit, and then I realized that he was quiet. He was sleeping at long last! AND IT'S ONLY 8:30!!!!!
What am I trying to say here? Nothing really, I am trying to describe what it is like for us, one month in.
But here is what you can take from it. There are moments where this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will wonder if you are going to make it. You will think that you can not take it any longer. But in those moments, think about the whys. Why is he having a fit? Why is he so scared? Why does he say things that hurt me? Why can't he just trust me? And then you will think about the reasons. And then you will realize that one month, or 6 months or even one year, is not enough time for anyone, including a little kid, to learn to trust again, or to be sure that he is safe, and that he can trust you to be in control, and he can just be a kid and accept love. It is going to take time, but we are going to get through it. You will see little instances of improvement, like instead of finally getting to sleep at 12am, he will fall asleep at 11pm. And yeah, he will probably fall asleep at 1am every once in a while, but mostly it's 11, and then it's 10:30, then it's 10, until suddenly it's 8:30.
Find those moments. Hold on to them.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Becoming a Family
Our sweet angels have been with us for about a month and a half now.
Every day, and every minute has its ups and downs, and we are still getting used to eachother, and learning how to be a family. Mornings are rough. Bedtime is worse.There is still arguing. There is still a lot of "thinking chairs". Right now, it is the in between moments that I realize how happy I am to be a mom, to be their mom. I am so incredibly blessed. The last few days that I have dropped them off to school and am suddenly by myself, I become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for these two, wonderful, incredible, amazing boys.
I remember life before they were here. Maybe it is because I am still new at this, but life before these guys seems to lack color now. Sure, it was easier, and I didn't have to worry about the happiness and wellbeing of two other little people, but sometimes just because sometimes something is easy, doesn't make it better. In fact, I find the old saying that anything worth having is worth fighting for is completely true. This has been frustrating, scary, sad, physically and emotionally exhausting, but I am so glad that we did it, every moment of every day.
I love you boys more than I think you will ever know.
Every day, and every minute has its ups and downs, and we are still getting used to eachother, and learning how to be a family. Mornings are rough. Bedtime is worse.There is still arguing. There is still a lot of "thinking chairs". Right now, it is the in between moments that I realize how happy I am to be a mom, to be their mom. I am so incredibly blessed. The last few days that I have dropped them off to school and am suddenly by myself, I become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for these two, wonderful, incredible, amazing boys.
I remember life before they were here. Maybe it is because I am still new at this, but life before these guys seems to lack color now. Sure, it was easier, and I didn't have to worry about the happiness and wellbeing of two other little people, but sometimes just because sometimes something is easy, doesn't make it better. In fact, I find the old saying that anything worth having is worth fighting for is completely true. This has been frustrating, scary, sad, physically and emotionally exhausting, but I am so glad that we did it, every moment of every day.
I love you boys more than I think you will ever know.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Praise
Sometimes things I do when parenting spill over into my interactions with adults. Sometimes it's not so great (I have told my husband that he needs to clear his dinner plates from the table before he can have dessert. Force of habit!). Other times it can be a moment of epiphany.
One of the things that we must do to encourage a bond between us and the boys is try really hard to notice, and acknowledge, the little things they do that are right and good. "Great job tying your shoe!","Thank you for putting your seatbelt on!", "Thank you for spitting less on the mirror, more in the sink!", and so on. It lets them know that I care about them, and that I notice that they are trying their best. They feel appreciated, and are more likely to pay attention when I tell them to correct their behavior, because they know they will receive more praise once they do.
I have noticed that we do not do this with our adult interactions nearly enough. Today a customer gave me two fives instead of a ten. Without even thinking I said "I really appreciate the small bills! Thank you!" She smiled, and we had a great conversation. People do not often feel that they are fully appreciated for their efforts. If we all took the second of time to just acknowledge the little things, we could all be a lot happier!
One of the things that we must do to encourage a bond between us and the boys is try really hard to notice, and acknowledge, the little things they do that are right and good. "Great job tying your shoe!","Thank you for putting your seatbelt on!", "Thank you for spitting less on the mirror, more in the sink!", and so on. It lets them know that I care about them, and that I notice that they are trying their best. They feel appreciated, and are more likely to pay attention when I tell them to correct their behavior, because they know they will receive more praise once they do.
I have noticed that we do not do this with our adult interactions nearly enough. Today a customer gave me two fives instead of a ten. Without even thinking I said "I really appreciate the small bills! Thank you!" She smiled, and we had a great conversation. People do not often feel that they are fully appreciated for their efforts. If we all took the second of time to just acknowledge the little things, we could all be a lot happier!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Little Munchkin's 5th Birthday
My littlest munchkin is turning five, and everytime we talk about his birthday he wants a different theme. In fact, the only thing he seems to be sure of is that we need to have a water fight!
So, to solve this dilemma, I have decided that the theme is "Things Little Munchkin Loves", and I am allowing him to pick out all the decorations. I know what I would have bought, so I am just going to let him decide what design or style he wants. Will it match? Nope. Will he love it? Yup.
The only thing I am picking out is the invitations, which I made at home, because that nonsense is too expensive.
Oh, and the party is at the park, because then I don't have a mess to clean up at the house.
Everything else; streamers, balloons, napkins, plates, cups, favors, other decor was chosen by our little P, or we had it and used it too!
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