Mythbusters: Public Adoption Edition

There are a lot of things people will tell you about public adoption. These people will be misguided family or friends, articles, your social workers, the agency, doctors, etc. Here are the myths we have heard, and the truths we have learned. Keep in mind, thus far our experience is only with public adoption, so we can only speak to that type of adoption!


Top 4 Myths About Public Adoption
1. All children who are up for public adoption have serious issues, and won't attach.
This one is so super duper untrue it's silly. We have met several adoptive parents and their kids, adopted from infancy, all the way to age 12. The strength of the bond that they have is equal to that of birth parents and children. Many of the children who are in foster care suffer from trauma, developmental delays and some sort of handicap. Many of them are perfectly fine after having had time to catch up thanks to the time and effort of great foster parents who have helped nurture these childrens in ways they have not experienced. Some are still a little behind, but they do catch up. There are parents for those that are handicapped, who can handle, and even embrace, their disabilities.

2. The parents or other birth relatives will try to get the kids back.
 Once the parental rights have been terminated, and a child is legally adopted by another family, they can not get a child back. Your name(s) are listed on the edited birth certificate. You are from that point, and forever that childs parents.

3. The homestudy process in public adoption is quick. You should be in the matching process about 6 months from when you started.
I think caseworkers are afraid of people turning down the opportunity to adopt, so they continually give you the best case scenario. In Florida, MAPP classes are 10 weeks, then you have to wait to be assigned a caseworker (3-6 months) who will then try to make time to do your homestudy (if you get lucky, a month or so). THEN you have your FBI/criminal background check (a few weeks from the day you have your fingerprints done). As of right now, we are waiting to hear about our background checks, so it has been 6 months. We paid to start our homestudy however, so we did not have that initial wait thankfully. If you don't pay for your homestudy it would be 3-6 months on top of everything else through public adoption.

4. If you have an open adoption, or any contact with any relatives, your child will not attach, or will be confused.
I have met several adoptive and foster parents who have very open relationships with birth family. The children are not confused at all. They understand that their adoptive parents are the number one authority, they are the people who provide comfort, security and direction, and the birth parents are like extended family. Imagine if the the first few years of your life were completely wiped from existence; wouldn't that be more confusing? If the entirety of their birth family is rejected, it can cause the child to feel that a part of themself is not good enough, and should also be rejected. By allowing for positive role models from the birth family to be involved with the child, and showing that you can accept them too, you are telling the child that there is no part of them that you do not want.

These are the biggies. I am sure there are more, and I will add to the list as I see them!

Homestudy and Loose Ends

Gianna here!

Our homestudy was last Thursday. I meant to write about it right away, but I have been so busy I didn't have a chance.

Greg and I were super stressed about it. We had been cleaning and scrubbing and organizing for 2 weeks. The house looked pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Anyways, I had read somewhere that if you are stressed, NOT to work that day, because you will just be more stressed. I decided not to take that advice, and was absolutely miserable at work all day. If you are getting ready for a homestudy and reading this, I know you probably won't listen to me, but for the love of God, take that day off. Set your alarm for later in the day, and, although I know that if you are like me, you will already be awake, lying there staring at the ceiling, force yourself to stay in bed until the alarm goes off. Take it easy, do all the last minute stuff that will suddenly seem important, and do all the pacing you feel like. Do not go to work. If you're like me, you will be absolutely useless anyways.

So, our caseworker got there, and we sat in the living room and chatted. That's all. She asked questions about our lives up to when we met, like where we were born, if our parents were together, why not, how did we feel about it, what is our relationship like with our parents and siblings, what are our religious views, how will we discipline, do we prefer a certain gender, age range, and what disabilities can we handle, etc.

And then she took a 3 minute tour of our house.

That's not even an understatement. It was like "Oh, here is the downstairs, and up here are the bedrooms and the second bathroom and..oh, you are leaving? Ok, thanks."

Super duper fast. And that was it. I just had my fingerprinting done, and Greg's is scheduled for Thursday, and then we should hear something after the first of the year!

In the meantime, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Today is the day!

Gianna here.

Well this is it. Our interview for our homestudy starts tonight. I am so nervous it's a bit pathetic. I am going to work now, and I have to say it was a bad decision. I read that you should take the day off so you can relax, but I assumed I would need something to occupy my time. Nope. I could be at home pacing instead of at work messing everything up.

Our house looks great, I have to all our paperwork in order, so I have nothing to be nervous about right?

And so it begins...

This evening, around 4:50, when I had accepted that I probably wouldn't hear from anyone about adoption stuff until Wednesday, I got a call from a caseworker! Our first interview is December 13th! We are so excited (and anxious and nervous and scared)! We needed something to take our mind off the homestudy, so we decorated for Christmas. It was a lot of fun. We thought about how this may be our last Christmas that we will not have kids, and decorating our tree with things our kids make, and sharing our traditions and start our own new traditions...so basically we spent the evening thinking about kids instead of the homestudy. :-) So for the next week we will be cleaning up, and I want to clear out the spare room so that it will be ready to be a kids room. We are so excited and blessed!

Progress!

So our check is in the hands of the case worker! That means that our home study has begun! We are so excited that the process has started! Gianna had to order a copy of her birth certificate, and we still need to clear out the room that will be our childs so that it can be put together when the time comes. We are in good shape we think, so hopefully the process will be smooth. We will more than likely have some updates on that! A lot of our friends and family have asked us if we have any particular child/children in mind. The short answer is yes. However, because a lot can change, and because we need to know that we are making the best decision for us, we have decided not to share that information, except for immediate family. This is quite a process. Once our home study is approved, we can send it to the childs caseworker. The caseworker looks it over and decides if she thinks we are a good match. IF she decides we are a good match then we make a time to meet with the childs caseworker, foster parents, and guardian ad litem, and anyone else involved. We sign a confidentiality agreement, and look over a child study, which will have all known history for that child, including medical records, school records, etc. We ask any questions we may have, and then take a couple days to mull it over. If we decide it's a good match, then we let them know and have a few visitations and talk to the child about how they feel about it (if they are old enough to make an informed decision on their own). The bottom line is, though we think we are a good match, we really know very little about this child. We don't want to get too attached or get hopes too high. We probably won't have our child or children for this Christmas, but with a little luck, we could at least have visitation with them before February!

Thanksgiving Miracles

Last night, after dinner, we were discussing with our family the costs of adoption. Since we have decided to pay, even though we are going through public adoption, we will pay for our homestudy, which is a big chunk, plus any travel expenses, notary fees, background checks, yada yada yada.... Right then, Greg's dad offered to pay the homestudy fee itself, so we could get started! Gianna could hardly contain the tears! Then, her dad and stepmom gave us a check as a belated anniversary gift to help cover outher costs! Gianna's mother has been a continual source knowledge about the system, and an ear to listen when I gripe. Greg's mom has shown her interest and support in the process. We still have a little over half of the $1,000 to earn, but we have the beginnings. We are overwhelmed with the love and support our family has offered us. We just couldn't be more thankful.

Gianna and Greg's Handy Service

After a lot of conversations, we have decided that instead of waiting who knows how long to even be assigned a caseworker, and waiting even after that to start our homestudy, we are going to pay for it ourselves.

Especially because we have a child in mind, waiting is really difficult, even more so when there is no end in sight!

We don't know exactly what the cost will be, so we are hoping our savings are enough. Luckily, Greg's company will reimburse us up to $5,000 for adoption expenses. The trick is coming up with it beforehand!

Here is the deal:

For $10, Gianna or Greg will:

Bake a cake or pie

Walk your dogs

Clean your car

Bathe your dogs

Mow your lawn

Help you pack

Help you unpack

Help you move

Help clean your house

Help you wrap Christmas presents

Weed your garden

Clean your gutters

Do any other stupid chore you don't want to do!

We will help you do, or do, just about anything you need done so that we can raise enough money to cover the difference in adoption expenses! Just let Gianna know, and she will schedule you in!

Waiting and waiting and waiting....

We are both feeling a little discouraged at the moment.

We were hoping to at least have been assigned to a caseworker at this point. So far, nothing.

We have sent e-mails, and are attending the Foster/Adoptive Parent Association meetings, and are trying to keep busy in general, but it's hard to not have an end in sight!

Some people we have met have taken as long as 6 months to start their homestudy! We were told that it shouldn't take us that long, but now we aren't so sure.

What can we do but keep busy and wait?

Keep us in your thoughts! Pray for something to happen sooner!

Words Can Hurt...

Gianna here.

We have shared our news of adoption with our friends, family, and coworkers, and we have mostly gotten a lot of congratulations and warm wishes, and are truly thankful for that. We do appreciate it.

But we need to talk about the not-so-nice things that people say.

I had someone, who I know had good intentions, say some not-very-nice-things about adoption (especially of older children) to me. It was something along the lines of "I don't know how you could adopt an older child. Those kids are a bunch of brats and psychopaths! I would be afraid to sleep at night!"

I wasn't really even offended at first. I was really more shocked. People hear some crazy stories in the news, and so sometimes people get weird ideas. But then, I got upset. That is MY kid they are talking about! I may not know my child yet, I may not know when they are coming, but they are still MY child! Would you say something like that to a pregnant woman? Charles Manson wasn't adopted and look how HE turned out!

Then I got to thinking about the possibility of someone saying something crazy to one of us, and our child overhears. Then what? How incredibly hurtful would it be to hear a comment like that, or something more mundane, like "Where are their REAL parents" or any of a thousand things that could be said.

The bottom line is, we love this child, or children, that we haven't even met yet, with an amazing intensity. We plan things we want to do together, and wonder about what they will look like, and what they will be interested in, just like parents expecting a baby. We are their real parents. Please keep that in mind.

I have compiled some sites across the web, with some of the hurtful things people ask, or say to adoptive parents (and, their friends and family). Please read these if you have a moment. I trust that those close to us would never do anything to hurt our, or more importantly, our children's feelings, but if someone asks you, or says, one of these things, please respond appropriately.

I also don't want anyone to think that I (we, really) aren't open to answering questions people may have. As long as they are respectful, and in the interest of learning, and not just being nosy. Do us a favor and give us a call, or shoot an email, rather than asking in a public way, so that we can answer the question in the best way.

We would just appreciate it if you could make it clear to our child, whoever they may be, and to the rest of the world, that they are completely loved and accepted.

Much Love,

            Gianna

Some Questions (And Responses to Them)
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/4-questions-not-to-ask-adoptive-parents-2409706.html

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/how-much-did-your-kid-cost.html

http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/

http://honestmomblog.wordpress.com/stupid-adoption-questions/

Why Beware of Papercuts?

I don't know if anyone paid attention to the title of the blog, but we thought a quick, fun, explanation was in order.

The bottom line is that adoption is the most paperwork you will ever submit in your life.

BEFORE you can even qualify for the PREadoptive classes, you have to submit a 20 page questionairre about your family, personal and work references, plus allow criminal background checks and affidavits of good moral character. Then, while in the classes, but before your homestudy, you submit birth certificates, marriage licenses, physicals from your doctors, taxes, etc. You also turn in homework for each class, and there are workbooks that you keep. This is all BEFORE your homestudy. Then, AFTER your homestudy, you have finalization paperwork, once you are adopting a child. So...yeah.... lots of paperwork= tons of papercuts. I think adoptive parents are personally responsible for keeping Neosporin in business.

The waiting game....

It's a long shot, really, but we talk constantly about if our child, or children are with us for the holidays. What will it be like to have our son or daughter wake up and see the Christmas tree that hopefully they will have helped decorate, or to have our son or daughter help us make dinner and cookies and pies. We can't wait to pass on all of our family traditions to this mystery person who we already love so much.

Maybe all expectant parents feel this way, but it's new territory for us.

In some ways, it feels like they are at camp, and we are waiting for them to come home. This wait has been the biggest challenge for us so far.

We have been making lots of "Before The Home Visit" lists, and then trying to get them accomplished. We want to have the house cleaned, have the spare bedroom (that will be their bedroom) cleaned up and organized, the pooches need their vaccinations and check ups, we need to clear out any clutter in any area of the house, put any "Summery stuff" in the attic, finish hanging pictures (there is one 4"x6" frame with a picture in it, and one 5"x7" frame without a picture in it hanging on the wall of the stairs where our "gallery" is supposed to be! Pretty pitiful!), decorate for the holidays, and plan for Thanksgiving, which we are having at our house this year!

In a lot of ways, it's good to stay busy because it keeps our minds off the wait. We are especially enjoying the cool weather outside right now. It is a welcome relief from the heat and humidity we have suffered through this Summer. Any time we have that isn't "to-do listing", has been outdoors! We need to enjoy this weather while we have it!

We're adopting!

Hello to all of our family and friends who have found this blog! We are so glad to share our news with you! As we have information to share, we will post it here, and also encourage you to ask questions, via Gianna's e-mail, this blog or phone calls, about our adoption. We are very happy and extremely excited!

A Little Info:

We have talked about adoption since we first met. We knew it was something we wanted to do when we were ready. When we were finally ready to talk about starting a family, we began with the traditional way; trying to have biological children. But when Gianna's mom began working for the Safe Children Coalition, the public foster and adoption agency in our county, it seemed that we were being lead down a different path. We started doing some research, and a lot of reading, and a LOT of talking. We finally came to the decision that now was the right time for us to adopt.

We let our families know, began our paperwork and training classes (Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting). Some of the scariest days were the ones where we told our families. How would they react? Would they be as excited and willing to open their homes and hearts to a child as we are? Thankfully, the answer to that was a resounding yes! We were met with excitement, love, a little worry, and a lot of support. We couldn't be more thankful and grateful!

What's Next?:

We have finished classes required to adopt through the state foster/adoption system, and we are currently waiting to begin our homestudy.We will be using this blog as a way to communicate with everyone, as well as Facebook, as events and news occur!

At this point, we do have a child in mind, but are not sharing any information for privacy's sake. If we are not matched with this child, we will probably pursue adoption through fostercare, which means we will be licensed to foster children, and if they become available for adoption we will be able to do so.

As we have info to share, we will be doing so through this blog, but also appreciate hearing from you via phone calls and e-mails!

Where Can I Find More Info About Adoption?:
We know that there is a lot of misinformation out there in the world, and on the internet, about adoption. We are happy to share what information we can, answer any questions, and just hear from all of you in general! 

In the meantime, if you would like to read about adoption, we can recommend some great books!

-In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption

-Adoption is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know

There are also some good, trustworthy, websites to get information about public adoption, and adoption in general. AdoptiveFamilies.com, and AdoptUSKids.org are two great places to start, but here are some links to great info:

Adopt US Kids: Common Myths about Adoption

Adoptive Families: Myths and Realities

We can't thank you all enough for your support! We are truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends to share this amazing journey with!

Love, 

          Greg and Gianna