Gianna here.
We have shared our news of adoption with our friends, family, and coworkers, and we have mostly gotten a lot of congratulations and warm wishes, and are truly thankful for that. We do appreciate it.
But we need to talk about the not-so-nice things that people say.
I had someone, who I know had good intentions, say some not-very-nice-things about adoption (especially of older children) to me. It was something along the lines of "I don't know how you could adopt an older child. Those kids are a bunch of brats and psychopaths! I would be afraid to sleep at night!"
I wasn't really even offended at first. I was really more shocked. People hear some crazy stories in the news, and so sometimes people get weird ideas. But then, I got upset. That is MY kid they are talking about! I may not know my child yet, I may not know when they are coming, but they are still MY child! Would you say something like that to a pregnant woman? Charles Manson wasn't adopted and look how HE turned out!
Then I got to thinking about the possibility of someone saying something crazy to one of us, and our child overhears. Then what? How incredibly hurtful would it be to hear a comment like that, or something more mundane, like "Where are their REAL parents" or any of a thousand things that could be said.
The bottom line is, we love this child, or children, that we haven't even met yet, with an amazing intensity. We plan things we want to do together, and wonder about what they will look like, and what they will be interested in, just like parents expecting a baby. We are their real parents. Please keep that in mind.
I have compiled some sites across the web, with some of the hurtful things people ask, or say to adoptive parents (and, their friends and family). Please read these if you have a moment. I trust that those close to us would never do anything to hurt our, or more importantly, our children's feelings, but if someone asks you, or says, one of these things, please respond appropriately.
I also don't want anyone to think that I (we, really) aren't open to answering questions people may have. As long as they are respectful, and in the interest of learning, and not just being nosy. Do us a favor and give us a call, or shoot an email, rather than asking in a public way, so that we can answer the question in the best way.
We would just appreciate it if you could make it clear to our child, whoever they may be, and to the rest of the world, that they are completely loved and accepted.
Much Love,
Gianna
Some Questions (And Responses to Them)
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/4-questions-not-to-ask-adoptive-parents-2409706.html
http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/how-much-did-your-kid-cost.html
http://www.parentdish.com/2010/11/30/stupid-questions-people-ask-adoptive-parents-and-our-smartass-a/
http://honestmomblog.wordpress.com/stupid-adoption-questions/
Thanks for sharing this! I read some of the above articles/blogs and I have heard a few of these already. I have heard: What will you do if you get pregnant...will you stop the adoption? (Nope) What are you going to get, a boy or a girl? (I respond-It doesn't matter to me.) Several shared horror stories they have heard from someone else about the child they tried to adopt...and didn't get.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I need to remember (and remind my hubby) is that not everyone has read about the process and often they don't know fact from fiction regarding adoption. Most importantly, people that are not going through it don't know what it is like. Period. We don't know what it is like to go through public and others won't know what it is like to go through private if they haven't done it. There are differences and there are similarities but the goal is the same...to be a parent and to love a child.
I think my rant is over. lol Thank you and Greg for being brave enough to share your journey with others. :-)
Thank you guys for being a sounding board all the time!
ReplyDeleteGeorge Dwyer here, school friend of Greg.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a great idea to adopt children with so many kids out there who either have really crappy abusive parents or no parents at all. As a matter of fact, I don't want to have a child by the conventional means but I want to adopt one for that very reason. I think what you guys are doing is awesome and I wish more people would adopt kids instead of being selfish and having their "own" (even though once you adopt, it's your "own" child anyway).
Let people make hurtful comments, they are ignorant and should be thoroughly patronized as such. People fear adoption because they see it as "not normal" in terms of what they believe a married couple SHOULD be doing. I however, feel that adoption is really the only humane option left in an overpopulated world with so many unwanted children.
Ignore the haters and take it easy Gianna.