Night Tantrums

I am writing this, again, because I feel that there is a lack of people telling the truth about adoption, and telling the ugly parts in detail. Do not judge my children.

These are my children. They are hurt, and angry, and scared, and have every right to be. 

I am not writing this for sympathy for my kids or myself. I am writing this because I know that somewhere out there, one day, there will be another adoptive parent going through the same thing, who just wants their baby to be happy. This is for the adoptive parent who can see their child's potential, and sees the smallest glitters of good, and praises them as if they were mountains of gold.

My big munchkin, my 7 year old, has had a rough couple weeks.

Nighttime is always hard for him for some reason, and he has had a couple doozies as far as tantrums before. The last couple weeks have been different.

It all started when we had some family come into town.

Big munchkin had a doctor appointment that Friday, and it ended up taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time. Like we were in that office for 4 hours. Nothing wrong; they just lost our paperwork, and had no idea who we were, then when they figured that out they had to re-fill out all our paperwork, because it was wrong, and then we had to wait for the doctor to get out of some meeting that had been scheduled because they forgot about our appointment. I have to tell you, that during this time, he was an absolute angel. No "I'm bored", no "I wanna go home", no tantrums or whining. He played quietly, colored and read a book then watched a movie. By the time we got out of there, Big Munchkin had to eat lunch because it was over already at school. Then it was 1pm. He gets out at 3. I called his caseworker, and she agreed that it wasn't worth it for him to go to school for 2 hours. Then he went to my mom's house because he wanted to see her, and I needed to get some things done at home. My mom and stepdad couldn't say enough about what a delight he was. He was very affectionate, and interacted well, played well, and used his manners.

When he got home....BAM! Different kid.

He yelled and stomped and kicked and screamed and threw stuff, etc. Till like 2 in the morning.

The next morning he was no picnic either, but he pulled it together in time to go to the beach with our visiting family. He was, again, a perfect kid.

That night, Opposite Kid came back again.
And the next day,
And the next day....

You see where this is going.

He had great days at school. His teacher writes notes home about how great he is. He loves school, and does very well.

He even had a couple decent nights.

Then his brother's birthday came. We worked really hard to make sure he felt included. He helped set up surprises for him the night before, then we spent some extra time with him reading, and let him sleep in our bed. He had another good day at school, then helped out with dinner. Family came and showered BOTH boys with attention, as usual. I could tell Big Munckin felt a little left out, so I made sure to give him extra hugs and kisses. One of his grandma's read him a story all by himself.
Then everyone left, and it was time for bed, and....well...you know. But this time, it was worse. We were a little scared that little munchkins's safety was at risk, so we told him to sleep in the guest room and to lock his door so big munchkin could not enter.

The next morning was not much better. He was tired, and cranky. We talked about the night before, and told him that we thought the reason that he is having such a rough time is because our schedule has been out of whack lately. We also told him that, at least for the rest of the school year, there would be no special outings on school nights or Sundays. The schedule would be very strict as far as bedtime and waking up time, and there will be no tv, movies or video games. All privileges that he had been working towards (sleepover, lunch and a movie with grandma) were off the table until we knew he could handle it. We explained that this is not because he is in trouble. It is because all of these things seem to make it difficult for him to control his behaviors, and that we want him to find it easy to behave. He said he understood, and was even the one who suggested that we take out video games and movies as well.

He had a great day at the party! He played with everyone, and his foster mom even came with his foster brother who he lived with for 18 months.

That night, he did have a rough time, but not nearly as bad as it has been.

Then, we got on schedule, and he has had a pretty good week. He did have a couple rough patches, but nothing too serious.

Tonight my husband had to work late, so of course it was terrible. The same yelling, screaming, throwing things, punching the bed, kicking the bed, out of bed, stuff I have seen before. I went downstairs, cleaned the house a bit, and then I realized that he was quiet. He was sleeping at long last! AND IT'S ONLY 8:30!!!!!

What am I trying to say here? Nothing really, I am trying to describe what it is like for us, one month in.

But here is what you can take from it. There are moments where this is the hardest thing you will ever do. You will wonder if you are going to make it. You will think that you can not take it any longer. But in those moments, think about the whys. Why is he having a fit? Why is he so scared? Why does he say things that hurt me? Why can't he just trust me? And then you will think about the reasons. And then you will realize that one month, or 6 months or even one year, is not enough time for anyone, including a little kid, to learn to trust again, or to be sure that he is safe, and that he can trust you to be in control, and he can just be a kid and accept love. It is going to take time, but we are going to get through it. You will see little instances of improvement, like instead of finally getting to sleep at 12am, he will fall asleep at 11pm. And yeah, he will probably fall asleep at 1am every once in a while, but mostly it's 11, and then it's 10:30, then it's 10, until suddenly it's 8:30.

Find those moments. Hold on to them.

Becoming a Family

Our sweet angels have been with us for about a month and a half now.

Every day, and every minute has its ups and downs, and we are still getting used to eachother, and learning how to be a family. Mornings are rough. Bedtime is worse.There is still arguing. There is still a lot of "thinking chairs". Right now, it is the in between moments that I realize how happy I am to be a mom, to be their mom. I am so incredibly blessed. The last few days that I have dropped them off to school and am suddenly by myself, I become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for these two, wonderful, incredible, amazing boys.

I remember life before they were here. Maybe it is because I am still new at this, but life before these guys seems to lack color now. Sure, it was easier, and I didn't have to worry about the happiness and wellbeing of two other little people, but sometimes just because sometimes something is easy, doesn't make it better. In fact, I find the old saying that anything worth having is worth fighting for is completely true. This has been frustrating, scary, sad, physically and emotionally exhausting, but I am so glad that we did it, every moment of every day.

I love you boys more than I think you will ever know.

Praise

Sometimes things I do when parenting spill over into my interactions with adults. Sometimes it's not so great (I have told my husband that he needs to clear his dinner plates from the table before he can have dessert. Force of habit!).  Other times it can be a moment of epiphany.

One of the things that we must do to encourage a bond between us and the boys is try really hard to notice, and acknowledge, the little things they do that are right and good. "Great job tying your shoe!","Thank you for putting your seatbelt on!",  "Thank you for spitting less on the mirror, more in the sink!", and so on. It lets them know that I care about them, and that I notice that they are trying their best. They feel appreciated, and are more likely to pay attention when I tell them to correct their behavior, because they know they will receive more praise once they do.

I have noticed that we do not do this with our adult interactions nearly enough. Today a customer gave me two fives instead of a ten. Without even thinking I said "I really appreciate the small bills! Thank you!" She smiled, and we had a great conversation. People do not often feel that they are fully appreciated for their efforts. If we all took the second of time to just acknowledge the little things, we could all be a lot happier!

Little Munchkin's 5th Birthday

My littlest munchkin is turning five, and everytime we talk about his birthday he wants a different theme. In fact, the only thing he seems to be sure of is that we need to have a water fight!

So, to solve this dilemma, I have decided that the theme is "Things Little Munchkin Loves", and I am allowing him to pick out all the decorations. I know what I would have bought, so I am just going to let him decide what design or style he wants. Will it match? Nope. Will he love it? Yup.

The only thing I am picking out is the invitations, which I made at home, because that nonsense is too expensive.

Oh, and the party is at the park, because then I don't have a mess to clean up at the house.

Everything else; streamers, balloons, napkins, plates, cups, favors, other decor was chosen by our little P, or we had it and used it too!